[WHEN THE INNER WORK STOPS FEELING LIKE SURVIVAL.]

[FOR A LONG TIME, INNER WORK FELT LIKE SURVIVAL TO ME.

IT FELT LIKE FIRE, NOT THE KIND OF FIRE PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IN QUOTES AND MEMES.

REAL FIRE.

THE KIND THAT REQUIRES YOU TO SIT WITH YOURSELF WHEN EVERYTHING IN YOU WANTS TO RUN.

THE KIND THAT ASKS YOU TO FACE THE BLAME, THE PAIN, THE FEAR, THE GRIEF, THE TRAUMA, THE PATTERNS, THE QUESTIONS, AND THE PARTS OF MYSELF I HOPED YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE TO LOOK AT AGAIN.

FOR ME, TURNING AWAY FROM MYSELF WOULD HAVE FELT LIKE BETRAYAL. SO I DID NOT TURN AWAY.

I WALKED INTO THE FIRE.

AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN.

I LEARNED HOW TO ENDURE.

I LEARNED HOW TO SURVIVE MYSELF.

I LEARNED HOW TO SIT WITH INNER CHAOS UNTIL SOMETHING TRUER EMERGED FROM THE ASHES.

BUT RECENTLY, SOMETHING DIFFERENT HAPPENED.

NOT ANOTHER FIRE TO OVERCOME.

NOT ANOTHER LAYER TO CONQUER.

NOT ANOTHER BATTLE TO SURVIVE.

SOMETHING OPENED,AND IT FELT DIFFERENT, VERY DIFFERENT.

INSTEAD OF MORE BRACING, THERE WAS RELIEF.

INSTEAD OF MORE ENDURING, THERE WAS HEALING.

INSTEAD OF MY NERVOUS SYSTEM PREPARING FOR ANOTHER INNER WAR, THERE WAS A KIND OF CALM I HAD NOT FELT IN QUITE SOME TIME, MAYBE EVER.

THE BEST WAY I CAN DESCRIBE IT IS THIS:

IT FELT LIKE A LOAD LIFTED THAT I DID NOT EVEN FULLY KNOW I WAS CARRYING UNTIL IT WAS GONE.

THAT GOT MY ATTENTION.

THE LAYER THAT OPENED WAS NOT ABOUT ABANDONING HUMILITY, TRUTH, OR PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. IT WAS ACTUALLY ABOUT A DEEPER UNDERSTANDING OF THEM.

I REALIZED I HAD BEEN HOLDING A VERY TIGHT INTERNAL RULE.

SOMETHING LIKE:

“BE CAREFUL WITH HONEST SELF-RECOGNITION. DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE TOO MUCH OF WHAT YOU HAVE WALKED THROUGH. DO NOT LET EGO IN THE DOOR.”

THE INTENTION WAS SINCERE.

I VALUE HUMILITY DEEPLY.

I HAVE SEEN WHAT EGO CAN DO TO HUMANITY.

I HAVE SEEN ITS COST.

I HAVE EVEN BEEN PART OF IT MYSELF.

SO I WORKED HARD NOT TO BECOME THAT.

BUT WHAT I DID NOT SEE…

WAS THAT MY FEAR OF EGO HAD ALSO CAUSED ME TO POLICE MY OWN HONESTY. I HAD QUIETLY COME TO BELIEVE THAT HUMILITY REQUIRED ME TO DENY OR RESTRICT CERTAIN FORMS OF HONEST SELF-RECOGNITION. AND THEN A DIFFERENT POSSIBILITY OPENED.

WHAT IF HUMILITY DOES NOT REQUIRE SELF-DENIAL OF WHAT IS ACTUALLY TRUE?

NOT SELF-ELEVATION.

NOT “I AM BETTER THAN ANYONE.”

NOT SPIRITUAL PRIDE.

JUST…

HONEST PROPORTION.

THE ABILITY TO SAY: YES, I HAVE FACED HARD THINGS. YES, I HAVE DONE DEEP INNER WORK. YES, I HAVE CHANGED. AND NO, ACKNOWLEDGING THAT DOES NOT REQUIRE ME TO STAND ABOVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

THAT REALIZATION DID NOT FEEL LIKE EGO. IT FELT LIKE RELIEF. HEALING RELIEF.

MY BODY KNEW IT BEFORE MY MIND COULD FULLY EXPLAIN IT. MY NERVOUS SYSTEM RELAXED. THE INNER WORLD FELT LESS CHAOTIC.

IT WAS AS IF SOMETHING INSIDE ME STOPPED HAVING TO CONSTANTLY MANAGE, POLICE, OR RESTRICT MY OWN HONESTY.

AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME…

INNER WORK DID NOT FEEL LIKE SURVIVAL. IT FELT LIKE LIVING.

THAT IS A BIG DIFFERENCE.

SURVIVAL SAYS:

“BRACE.”

“ENDURE.”

“KEEP GOING.”

“DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN.”

BUT LIVING?

LIVING SOMETIMES SOUNDS MORE LIKE:

“YOU CAN RELAX HERE.”

“YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FIGHT YOURSELF IN THIS PLACE.”

“YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR JOURNEY WITHOUT BECOMING BIGGER THAN OTHERS, SMALLER THAN OTHERS, OR AFRAID OF YOURSELF.”

WHOA.

THAT SHIFT CHANGES THINGS.

NOT BECAUSE THE WORK IS DONE. NOT BECAUSE THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER FIRE. BUT BECAUSE THE RELATIONSHIP TO THE FIRE CHANGES.

NOT ALL FIRE IS MEANT TO BE SURVIVED. SOME FIRE IS HEALING. SOME FIRE WARMS WHAT HAS BEEN FROZEN. SOME FIRE REALIGNS WHAT HAS BEEN HELD TOO TIGHTLY. SOME FIRE OPENS A DOOR.

AND HONESTLY?

THAT IS WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE.

NOT ARRIVAL.

BUT A DOOR OPENING.

A LITTLE MORE FREEDOM.

A LITTLE LESS CHAOS.

A LITTLE LESS BRACING.

A LITTLE MORE ROOM TO ACTUALLY LIVE.

DEAR READER:

IF YOU ARE STILL IN THE FIRE…

IF INNER WORK STILL FEELS LIKE SURVIVAL…

IF YOU ARE TIRED OF FACING YOURSELF,
TIRED OF BRACING,
TIRED OF WONDERING WHETHER THE WORK IS EVEN WORTH IT…

I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO YOU VERY HONESTLY.

DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.

NOT BECAUSE I CAN PROMISE YOU A TIMELINE.

NOT BECAUSE I CAN PROMISE YOU AN EASY ROAD.

BUT BECAUSE SOMEWHERE BEYOND THE CONSTANT ENDURING…

THERE MAY BE A RELEASE YOU CANNOT YET SEE.

A KIND OF INNER FREEDOM YOU MAY NOT EVEN KNOW IS POSSIBLE YET.

I DID NOT FORCE THIS SHIFT.

I DID NOT CONQUER IT.

IT OPENED.

AND WHEN IT DID…

I REALIZED PART OF THE JOURNEY WAS NOT LEARNING HOW TO SURVIVE MYSELF…

IT WAS LEARNING HOW TO STOP FIGHTING MYSELF IN A PLACE I DID NOT KNOW I WAS STILL AT WAR.

KEEP GOING.

NOT WITH VIOLENCE TOWARD YOURSELF.

WITH HONESTY.

WITH COURAGE.

WITH ROOM TO LET THE DEEPER LAYERS SPEAK WHEN THEY ARE READY.]

FOR THE HONOR OF YOUR JOURNEY IS WITH THE LOVE AND BLESSINGS FOR YOUR SOUL’S-EVOLUTION BY THE GRID-WALKER AND POSTMASTER: Ephraim-H: Troyer.

: LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS.

: FACTS HAVE NO FEELINGS.

: HUMILITY HAS NO EGO.

: ANCHOR.

: PILLAR.