[THERE HAS BEEN SOMETHING HAPPENING DEEP WITHIN ME OVER THESE LAST FEW MONTHS THAT I COULD NOT FULLY PUT INTO WORDS UNTIL RECENTLY.

I HAVE SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE SURVIVING.

NOT LIVING.

NOT RESTING.

NOT TRULY FEELING.

JUST SURVIVING.

FOR MANY YEARS, I THOUGHT SURVIVAL WAS STRENGTH.

I THOUGHT ENDURING EVERYTHING WITHOUT BREAKING WAS WHAT MADE A MAN STRONG.

KEEP MOVING.

KEEP WORKING.

KEEP CARRYING.

KEEP ENDURING.

NO MATTER WHAT.

AND HONESTLY, SURVIVAL DID KEEP ME ALIVE THROUGH MANY HARD SEASONS OF LIFE.

BUT WHAT I DID NOT REALIZE WAS THAT SURVIVAL ALSO SLOWLY NUMBED ME.

I BECAME SO USED TO:

HOLDING EVERYTHING TOGETHER,

CARRYING THE WEIGHT, EXPECTING LOSS,

PREPARING FOR DISAPPOINTMENT, AND BRACING FOR IMPACT…

THAT I FORGOT WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO TRULY LIVE.

I FORGOT WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO EMOTIONALLY REST.

I FORGOT WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO FEEL SAFE ENOUGH WITHIN MYSELF TO SIMPLY BREATHE WITHOUT PREPARING FOR THE NEXT STORM.

OVER THE LAST FEW WEEKS, I HAVE COME FACE TO FACE WITH A VERY DEEP TRUTH WITHIN MYSELF:

I DID NOT LOSE MY FEELINGS.

I BURIED THEM SO I COULD SURVIVE.

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

AT ONE POINT IN MY LIFE, I BECAME SO TIRED OF CONFLICT, MISUNDERSTANDING, ACCUSATIONS, AND EMOTIONAL PAIN THAT I CONVINCED MYSELF IT WAS EASIER NOT TO FEEL AT ALL.

I OPENLY JOKED THAT I “DIDN’T HAVE FEELINGS.”

BUT DEEP WITHIN, I KNEW THAT WAS NEVER TRUE.

THE TRUTH WAS:

IT HURT TOO MUCH TO KEEP FEELING EVERYTHING SO DEEPLY.

SO I SHUT PARTS OF MYSELF DOWN IN ORDER TO SURVIVE.

AND WHEN YOU DO THAT LONG ENOUGH, NUMBNESS STARTS TO FEEL NORMAL.

BUT NUMBNESS IS NOT PEACE.

THAT REALIZATION HIT ME HARD, VERY HARD.

RECENTLY, I HAVE FOUND MYSELF GRIEVING THINGS I NEVER TRULY ALLOWED MYSELF TO GRIEVE BEFORE:

LOST FRIENDSHIPS,

LOST RELATIONSHIPS,

THE YEARS SPENT SURVIVING,

THE EMOTIONAL EXHAUSTION,

THE BETRAYALS,

THE LONELINESS,

AND EVEN THE VERSIONS OF MYSELF THAT QUIETLY DIED WHILE TRYING TO HOLD EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

AND STRANGELY ENOUGH…

IT HAS NOT FELT PURELY PAINFUL.

IT HAS ACTUALLY FELT CLEANSING.

LIKE SOMETHING FROZEN INSIDE OF ME IS FINALLY BEGINNING TO THAW.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MANY YEARS, I AM NO LONGER TRYING TO OUTRUN MYSELF.

I AM SITTING WITH MYSELF, HONESTLY.

WITHOUT RUNNING.

WITHOUT NUMBING.

WITHOUT PRETENDING.

AND WHAT I AM DISCOVERING IS THIS:

I DO NOT WANT TO MERELY SURVIVE ANYMORE.

I WANT TO LIVE.

NOT A LIFE DRIVEN BY ENDLESS TENSION, EMOTIONAL SHUTDOWN, AND CONSTANT SURVIVAL-MODE.

A REAL LIFE.

A PEACEFUL LIFE.

A GROUNDED LIFE.

A LIFE WHERE I CAN BUILD WITHOUT LOSING MYSELF.

WORK WITHOUT ABANDONING MY PEACE.

LOVE WITHOUT DESTROYING MYSELF.

FEEL WITHOUT FEARING THAT FEELINGS THEMSELVES ARE WEAKNESS.

I HAVE ALSO REALIZED SOMETHING ELSE:

PEACE IS NO LONGER NEGOTIABLE FOR ME.

NOT BECAUSE I HATE THE WORLD.

NOT BECAUSE I THINK I AM ABOVE ANYONE ELSE.

NOT BECAUSE I WANT ISOLATION.

BUT BECAUSE I NOW UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENS TO THE HUMAN SOUL WHEN IT LIVES TOO LONG IN SURVIVAL.

IT SLOWLY DISAPPEARS BENEATH THE WEIGHT OF ENDURANCE.

AND I REFUSE TO ABANDON MYSELF AGAIN IN THAT WAY.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE EVERYTHING FIGURED OUT.

FAR FROM IT.

HONESTLY, I FEEL LIKE I HAVE ONLY BEGUN.

BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A VERY LONG TIME, MAYBE EVER, I FEEL SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME WAKING BACK UP.

NOT EGO.

NOT SUPERIORITY.

NOT PERFORMANCE.

LIFE.

REAL LIFE.

AND MAYBE THAT IS WHAT THIS JOURNEY HAS TRULY BEEN ABOUT ALL ALONG.

NOT BECOMING SOMEBODY “IMPORTANT.”

BUT REMEMBERING HOW TO BECOME HUMAN AGAIN.

⸻

IF YOU READ THIS AND RECOGNIZE YOURSELF

SOMEWHERE INSIDE THESE WORDS…

PLEASE KNOW THIS:

SURVIVAL-MODE MAY HAVE HELPED YOU LIVE,

BUT IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BECOME YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

SOMETIMES THE NUMBNESS, THE EXHAUSTION,

THE CONSTANT BRACING, AND THE FEELING OF DISCONNECTION

ARE NOT SIGNS THAT YOU ARE WEAK.

SOMETIMES THEY ARE SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN STRONG

FOR FAR TOO LONG.

AND MAYBE THE FIRST STEP IS NOT “FIXING YOURSELF.”

MAYBE THE FIRST STEP IS SIMPLY:

SLOWING DOWN LONG ENOUGH TO HONESTLY FEEL WHAT YOUR SOUL HAS BEEN CARRYING IN SILENCE.

YOU MAY BE SURPRISED BY WHAT BEGINS TO WAKE UP

WITHIN YOU.]

FOR THE MEMORY-MINDER.

: LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS.

: FACTS HAVE NO FEELINGS.

: HUMILITY HAS NO EGO.

FOR THE HONOR AND [RE]SPECT IS WITH THE BLESSING OF YOUR HUMAN-JOURNEY AND SOUL’S-EVOLUTION BY THIS GRID-WALKER AND POSTMASTER: Ephraim-H: Troyer.

: ANCHOR.

: PILLAR.