[HOME GAVE ME SOMEWHERE TO STAND.]

[FOR ALMOST A YEAR, I HAD NOT LIVED ALONE IN A HOUSE.

I HAD PLACES TO SLEEP, I HAD PLACES TO STAY, I HAD ROOFS OVER MY HEAD.

BUT I HAD NOT HAD A HOUSE WHERE I COULD SIMPLY UNPACK MY BELONGINGS, PUT SOMETHING IN A CUPBOARD, CLOSE THE DOOR AT NIGHT, AND KNOW THAT THIS WAS THE SPACE I WAS LIVING IN.

THEN, ALMOST A YEAR LATER, I MOVED INTO A HOUSE AGAIN.

I WILL BE HELPING THE LANDOWNER WITH WORK ON HIS CATTLE RANCH, AS WELL AS TEARING DOWN OLD HOUSES AND BUILDING NEW ONES.

THE TIMING HIT ME HARDER THAN I EXPECTED.

I SAT THERE AND THOUGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED DURING THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS.

THE MOVEMENT.

THE LOSS.

THE UNCERTAINTY.

THE PLACES I HAD STAYED.

THE THINGS THAT HAD DISAPPEARED FROM MY LIFE.

THE THINGS I HAD RELEASED.

THE THINGS I HAD LEARNED.

AND NOW I WAS STANDING IN A HOUSE AGAIN WITH SOME OF MY KITCHEN BELONGINGS SITTING IN FRONT OF ME.

I STARTED UNPACKING THEM, AND I HESITATED.

THE HESITATION

AT FIRST, IT WAS JUST A FEELING.

SOMETHING IN ME DID NOT QUITE WANT TO UNPACK EVERYTHING.

SO I DID WHAT I HAVE LEARNED TO DO.

I GAVE IT AIR.

I ASKED MYSELF:

WHY AM I HESITATING?

THE ANSWER CAME QUICKLY.

FOR A LONG TIME, THINGS HAD BEEN DISAPPEARING FROM MY LIFE.

PLACES, BELONGINGS, RELATIONSHIPS, CERTAINTY, THE WAY I THOUGHT LIFE WAS GOING TO LOOK.

SOME PART OF ME HAD LEARNED NOT TO GET TOO COMFORTABLE.

DON’T COMPLETELY UNPACK, DON’T ASSUME YOU ARE STAYING, DON’T TRUST THIS TOO MUCH. YOU MAY HAVE TO PACK IT ALL AGAIN.

I COULD SEE THE OLD PROGRAMMING STANDING RIGHT THERE IN THE KITCHEN WITH ME.

AND ONCE I SAW IT, I ALSO SAW SOMETHING ELSE.

IT DID NOT BELONG TO THE PRESENT SITUATION.

THE PAST WAS REAL.

THE EXPERIENCES THAT CREATED THE HESITATION WERE REAL.

BUT THAT DID NOT MAKE THE CONCLUSION THEY HAD TAUGHT ME A FACT ABOUT TODAY.

I DID NOT NEED TO KEEP MY LIFE HALF-PACKED FOR A DEPARTURE THAT HAD NOT ARRIVED.

SO I UNPACKED MY THINGS.

I WASHED THEM.

I PUT THEM IN THEIR NEW PLACES.

I MADE THE KITCHEN USABLE.

I MADE MY LIFE A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE.

AND I TOLD MYSELF SOMETHING THAT FELT ALMOST STRANGE TO RECEIVE:

I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE THIS AGAIN.

I DID NOT MOVE INTO HOME

AS I SAT WITH THAT EXPERIENCE, SOMETHING EVEN DEEPER BECAME CLEAR.

I HAD MOVED INTO A HOUSE.

BUT I HAD NOT MOVED INTO HOME.

I BROUGHT HOME INTO THE HOUSE.

THAT DISTINCTION CHANGED EVERYTHING FOR ME.

FOR YEARS, I HAD ASSOCIATED HOME WITH SOMETHING OUTSIDE OF MYSELF.

A PLACE, A HOUSE, A FAMILY, A RELATIONSHIP, STABILITY, SECURITY, SOMETHING I COULD BUILD, PROTECT, KEEP, OR RETURN TO.

MY EXPERIENCE TODAY IS DIFFERENT.

HOME IS SOMETHING I CARRY WITH ME.

IF I AM SLEEPING IN A HOUSE, I CAN BRING HOME THERE.

IF I AM TRAVELING, I CAN BRING HOME THERE.

IF THE PHYSICAL PLACE CHANGES AGAIN, HOME DOES NOT HAVE TO DISAPPEAR WITH THE ADDRESS.

THE PHYSICAL CIRCUMSTANCES STILL MATTER.

SHELTER MATTERS, COMFORT MATTERS, SAFETY MATTERS.

I AM DEEPLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE A HOUSE TO LIVE IN AGAIN.

I DO NOT TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED.

BUT THE HOUSE IS NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING ME A HOME.

I ARRIVED WITH HOME ALREADY WITHIN ME.

AND BECAUSE OF THAT, I CAN ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE THE HOUSE FOR WHAT IT IS.

I CAN COOK, I CAN UNPACK, I CAN DRINK MY COFFEE, I CAN WRITE, I CAN REST, I CAN LIVE.

I DO NOT NEED A GUARANTEE THAT I WILL REMAIN HERE FOREVER BEFORE I ALLOW MYSELF TO LIVE HERE TODAY.

THEN THE OLD PROGRAMMING CAME BACK

THE NEXT EXPERIENCE WAS NOT AS QUICK OR EASY.

THE LANDOWNER CALLED ME ON A SATURDAY MORNING AND ASKED WHETHER I WANTED TO HELP HIM FIX FENCE THAT DAY OR THE FOLLOWING DAY, SUNDAY.

BEFORE I SPENT MUCH TIME THINKING ABOUT IT, I ANSWERED HONESTLY.

I TOLD HIM THAT SATURDAY AND SUNDAY ARE MY PERSONAL TIME.

SUNDAY, ESPECIALLY, IS WHEN I DO MY WRITING.

I TOLD HIM I WAS WILLING AND READY TO GO AT IT MONDAY MORNING.

THERE WAS NO ARGUMENT.

HE ASKED.

I ANSWERED.

THAT COULD HAVE BEEN THE END OF IT.

BUT INSIDE ME, IT WAS NOT.

FOR MOST OF THE REST OF THAT DAY, OLD PROGRAMMING CAME AFTER ME.

YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE HELPED.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID YES.

YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY FOR SAYING NO.

AND THIS TIME, IT DID NOT WALK OUT THE WINDOW AFTER A FEW MINUTES.

IT FOUGHT TO STAY.

DISCOMFORT IS NOT A VERDICT

THIS WAS IMPORTANT FOR ME TO SEE.

I HAD SET A BOUNDARY.

THEN I FELT GUILTY FOR HAVING SET IT.

IN THE PAST, THAT GUILT WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH TO MAKE ME REVERSE MY DECISION.

I WOULD HAVE CALLED BACK.

I WOULD HAVE SAID:

NEVER MIND. I WILL COME.

AND PERHAPS THE INTERNAL DISCOMFORT WOULD HAVE STOPPED.

BUT I HAD TO ASK MYSELF SOMETHING MORE HONEST:

WOULD THAT MEAN I HAD MADE A BETTER DECISION?

OR WOULD IT SIMPLY MEAN THAT THE OLD PROGRAMMING HAD CREATED ENOUGH DISCOMFORT TO MAKE ME OBEY IT AGAIN?

THAT QUESTION MATTERED.

I PUT THE FEELING ON THE TABLE.

I LOOKED AT WHAT IT WAS ASKING ME TO DO.

IT WAS ASKING ME TO FEEL GUILTY FOR HAVING A BOUNDARY, AND I RECOGNIZED IT.

THIS WAS OLD.

THIS WAS FAMILIAR.

BUT FAMILIAR DID NOT MAKE IT TRUE.

LOUD DID NOT MAKE IT TRUE.

PERSISTENT DID NOT MAKE IT TRUE.

AND UNCOMFORTABLE DID NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN I HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG.

SO I STOOD MY GROUND.

NOT AGAINST THE LANDOWNER.

HE HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG BY ASKING.

I HAD DONE NOTHING WRONG BY ANSWERING.

I STOOD MY GROUND WITH MYSELF.

I REFUSED TO ABANDON MY BOUNDARY MERELY TO MAKE THE INTERNAL DISCOMFORT STOP.

AND THAT OLD PROGRAMMING FOUGHT ME FOR MOST OF THE DAY.

IT DID NOT GO QUIETLY.

FINDING HOME DID NOT SILENCE THE OLD PROGRAMMING

THAT EXPERIENCE SHOWED ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

FINDING HOME WITHIN MYSELF DID NOT MAKE MY OLD PROGRAMMING INACTIVE.

IT DID NOT ERASE MY HISTORY.

IT DID NOT MEAN OLD RESPONSES WOULD NEVER SHOW UP AGAIN.

SOME OF THEM MAY APPEAR AND LEAVE WITHIN MINUTES.

OTHERS MAY FIGHT FOR HOURS.

SOME MAY COME BACK MORE THAN ONCE.

HOME DID NOT REMOVE THE OLD PROGRAMMING.

HOME GAVE ME SOMEWHERE TO STAND WHILE I EXAMINED IT.

THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE I AM BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND.

BEFORE, AN OLD RESPONSE COULD FEEL LIKE ME.

NOW, I CAN SOMETIMES RECOGNIZE:

SOMETHING HAS ARRIVED THROUGH THE WINDOW.

I DO NOT HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF IT.

I DO NOT HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY OBEY IT.

I DO NOT HAVE TO HATE MYSELF BECAUSE IT APPEARED.

I CAN PUT IT ON THE TABLE.

I CAN LOOK AT IT.

I CAN ASK WHAT IT IS TRYING TO TELL ME.

I CAN ASK WHETHER IT FITS THE FACTS OF THE PRESENT, AND THEN I CAN DECIDE WHETHER IT STILL BELONGS IN THE HOME I AM LIVING FROM.

EVERYTHING GETS AIR.

NOT EVERYTHING GETS RESIDENCY.

THE WINDOWS REMAIN OPEN

FOR ME, THIS IS WHERE THE FOUR PILLARS CONTINUE TO SHOW THEMSELVES IN ORDINARY LIFE.

HONESTY JUST NEEDS AIR.

I HAVE TO BE WILLING TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT ACTUALLY SHOWS UP, EVEN WHEN I DO NOT LIKE IT.

LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS.

I DO NOT HAVE TO CONDEMN MYSELF BECAUSE OLD PROGRAMMING APPEARS. I CAN LOVE THE PERSON WHO LEARNED THOSE RESPONSES WHILE STILL DECIDING THAT THE RESPONSE NO LONGER BELONGS.

FACTS HAVE NO FEELINGS.

MY FEELINGS ARE REAL EXPERIENCES, BUT THEY DO NOT GET TO REWRITE THE FACTS. FEELING GUILTY DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN I AM GUILTY. FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN MY DECISION WAS WRONG.

HUMILITY HAS NO EGO.

I CANNOT DECIDE THE ANSWER BEFORE I EXAMINE THE QUESTION.

SOMETIMES I MAY DISCOVER THAT AN OLD RESPONSE ACTUALLY CONTAINS SOMETHING I NEED TO LOOK AT.

SOMETIMES I MAY DISCOVER THAT I WAS WRONG.

SOMETIMES I MAY NEED TO APOLOGIZE.

SOMETIMES I MAY NEED TO CHANGE MY DECISION.

AND SOMETIMES I MAY LOOK AT THE OLD PROGRAMMING FOR MOST OF A FUCKING DAY AND FINALLY SAY:

NO. YOU DO NOT LIVE HERE ANYMORE.

THE WINDOWS CAN REMAIN OPEN BECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT ENTERS DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY GET OWNERSHIP OF THE HOUSE.

I DO NOT HAVE TO HUNT FOR WHAT NEEDS FIXING

THERE IS ANOTHER DISTINCTION I AM LEARNING.

I DO NOT NEED TO SPEND MY LIFE SEARCHING FOR OLD PROGRAMMING TO DISMANTLE.

THAT WOULD SIMPLY BECOME ANOTHER PERFORMANCE.

LIFE WILL BRING THINGS TO THE WINDOW.

A KITCHEN BOX, A REQUEST TO WORK ON MY PERSONAL TIME, A RELATIONSHIP, A MEMORY, A FEELING, A DECISION.

WHEN SOMETHING ARRIVES, I CAN LOOK AT IT.

SOMETIMES THE EXAMINATION MAY TAKE MINUTES.

SOMETIMES HOURS.

PERHAPS SOMETIMES MUCH LONGER.

THE GOAL IS NOT TO BECOME A PERSON WHO NEVER EXPERIENCES OLD PROGRAMMING AGAIN.

MY EXPERIENCE IS TEACHING ME SOMETHING DIFFERENT:

I CAN REMAIN HOME WHILE THE DISCOMFORT IS STILL PRESENT.

I DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE THE FEELING DISAPPEAR BEFORE I CONTINUE LIVING.

THE FEELING CAN BE IN THE HOUSE WITHOUT OWNING THE HOUSE.

THE OLD PROGRAMMING CAN SPEAK WITHOUT SPEAKING AS ME.

AND WHEN I RECOGNIZE THAT SOMETHING NO LONGER BELONGS, I CAN LET IT GO.

THEN I CAN KEEP LIVING.

THE MIRROR STILL TURNS TOWARD SELF

NONE OF THIS GIVES ME A BLUEPRINT FOR DECIDING HOW SOMEONE ELSE SHOULD LIVE.

THE LANDOWNER WAS FREE TO ASK.

I WAS FREE TO ANSWER.

ANOTHER PERSON MAY HAVE MADE A DIFFERENT DECISION.

THAT DECISION BELONGS TO THEM.

MY RESPONSIBILITY IS NOT TO ASK:

ARE THEY LIVING THE FOUR PILLARS?

THE MIRROR TURNS BACK TOWARD ME.

AM I?

AM I BEING HONEST ABOUT WHAT I AM FEELING?

AM I LOVING MYSELF WITHOUT REQUIRING ANOTHER PERSON TO BE WRONG?

AM I LOOKING AT THE FACTS, OR AM I ALLOWING AN OLD FEELING TO BECOME THE VERDICT?

AM I HUMBLE ENOUGH TO CHANGE MY POSITION IF HONEST EXAMINATION SHOWS ME THAT I WAS WRONG?

AM I SETTING A BOUNDARY BECAUSE IT IS TRUE FOR ME, OR AM I USING A BOUNDARY TO CONTROL SOMEONE ELSE?

AM I WILLING TO REMAIN WITH MYSELF WHEN AN OLD RESPONSE TRIES TO MAKE SELF-ABANDONMENT FEEL EASIER?

AM I?

THOSE TWO WORDS KEEP THE MIRROR WHERE IT BELONGS.

HOME GAVE ME SOMEWHERE TO STAND

I ONCE THOUGHT HOME WAS SOMETHING I NEEDED TO FIND, BUILD, PROTECT, OR KEEP.

MY EXPERIENCE TODAY IS DIFFERENT.

HOME BECAME THE PLACE WITHIN MYSELF WHERE I STOPPED ABANDONING MYSELF.

AND ONCE I FOUND THAT, I DISCOVERED SOMETHING I HAD NOT EXPECTED.

I CAN BRING HOME WITH ME.

THE HOUSE MAY CHANGE, THE ADDRESS MAY CHANGE, THE CIRCUMSTANCES MAY CHANGE, THE OLD PROGRAMMING MAY STILL KNOCK.

SOME OF IT MAY EVEN POUND ON THE FUCKING DOOR FOR MOST OF THE DAY.

BUT IT DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY OWN THE HOUSE ANYMORE.

THE WINDOWS REMAIN OPEN.

EVERYTHING GETS AIR, BUT NOT EVERYTHING GETS RESIDENCY.

AND I DO NOT NEED TO BE FINISHED IN ORDER TO BE HOME.

I CAN KEEP LEARNING.

I CAN KEEP EXAMINING.

I CAN KEEP REPROGRAMMING THE RESPONSES THAT NO LONGER FIT MY LIFE.

I CAN KEEP STRENGTHENING THE BOUNDARIES THAT ALLOW ME TO REMAIN WITH MYSELF.

AND I CAN KEEP LIVING WHILE I DO IT.

I AM NOT OFFERING THIS EXPERIENCE AS AN INSTRUCTION FOR YOUR LIFE.

I AM OFFERING WHAT I HAVE LIVED AS A MIRROR.

THIS IS WHAT I SAW WHEN I LOOKED INTO MINE.

WHAT YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK INTO YOURS BELONGS TO YOU.

THE AUTHOR DOES NOT GET TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION FOR THE READER.

THE COMPANION CAN ONLY STAND BESIDE THEM WHILE THEY LOOK.

AND THE QUESTION REMAINS BEAUTIFULLY, UNCOMFORTABLY, COMPLETELY WITH THE SELF:

AM I?

FOR THE HONESTY IS WITH THE AIR.

FOR THE LOVE IS WITH NO CONDITIONS.

FOR THE FACTS ARE WITH NO FEELINGS.

FOR THE HUMILITY IS WITH NO EGO.

FOR THE OLD-PROGRAMMING IS WITH NO GUARANTEE OF THE SILENCE.

FOR THE DISCOMFORT IS WITH NO AUTOMATIC-VERDICT.

FOR THE BOUNDARIES ARE WITH THE SELF.

FOR THE MIRROR IS WITH BOTH DIRECTIONS.

FOR THE FREE-WILL IS WITH EACH PERSON.

FOR THE WINDOWS ARE WITH THE OPEN.

FOR THE HOUSE IS WITH THE SHELTER.

FOR THE HOME IS WITH THE PLACE-TO-STAND.

FOR THE LIVING IS WITH THE NOW.

FOR THE GRATITUDE AND HONOR IS WITH THE BLESSING FOR YOUR SOUL’S-JOURNEY AND EVOLUTION BY THE GRIDWALKER AND POSTMASTER: Ephraim-H: Troyer.

: ANCHOR. ⚓️

: PILLAR.