[SOMETIMES THE MOMENTS THAT SHOW US THE MOST ABOUT OURSELVES DO NOT LOOK IMPORTANT WHEN THEY ARRIVE.
THEY DO NOT ANNOUNCE THEMSELVES.
THEY DO NOT COME WITH INSTRUCTIONS.
THEY DO NOT TELL US TO PAY ATTENTION.
SOMETIMES THEY LOOK SO ORDINARY THAT WE ALMOST DISMISS THEM COMPLETELY.
RECENTLY, I HAD ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS.
I HAD DECIDED TO STOP AT AN ICE CREAM SHOP AND GET MYSELF A SMALL TREAT. THERE WAS NOTHING PROFOUND ABOUT IT. I DID NOT NEED THE ICE CREAM.
I SIMPLY WANTED IT.
AND PERHAPS MORE IMPORTANTLY, I WAS ALLOWING MYSELF TO RECEIVE A SMALL PLEASURE WITHOUT FIRST REQUIRING MYSELF TO EARN IT.
WHEN I PULLED INTO THE PARKING LOT, I RECOGNIZED A VEHICLE OF A CLOSE RELATIVE I HAD NOT SPOKEN WITH IN A LONG TIME.
THERE WAS HISTORY THERE.
THERE WERE OLD DYNAMICS THERE.
THERE WERE THINGS I HAD ALREADY CHOSEN NOT TO PARTICIPATE IN ANYMORE.
THE PERSON DID NOT SEE ME.
I SAT THERE FOR A MOMENT AND REALIZED I DID NOT WANT THE INTERACTION.
SO I LEFT.
AT FIRST, THAT SEEMED LIKE THE ENTIRE STORY. BUT THEN SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENED.
I WENT SOMEWHERE ELSE—AND I STILL GOT THE DAMN ICE CREAM.
I LAUGH NOW BECAUSE THAT LITTLE DETAIL SEEMS ALMOST RIDICULOUS.
BUT IT BECAME A MIRROR.
THERE WAS A TIME IN MY LIFE WHEN AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THAT COULD HAVE CHANGED THE REST OF MY DAY.
GUILT MIGHT HAVE APPEARED.
I MIGHT HAVE TOLD MYSELF WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE.
I MIGHT HAVE QUESTIONED WHETHER I WAS A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON.
AND WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT, I MIGHT HAVE PUNISHED MYSELF BY DENYING THE VERY SMALL THING I HAD ORIGINALLY DECIDED TO ALLOW MYSELF TO ENJOY.
BUT THIS TIME, THE UNEXPECTED ENCOUNTER CHANGED THE LOCATION.
IT DID NOT CHANGE MY PERMISSION TO RECEIVE.
THAT DIFFERENCE WAS SMALL ENOUGH THAT I COULD HAVE COMPLETELY MISSED IT.
AND YET, WHEN I LOOKED MORE CLOSELY, I REALIZED SOMETHING HAD CHANGED WITHIN ME.
THE OLD PROGRAMMING STILL KNOCKED. BUT IT DID NOT OWN THE HOUSE.
THE WORDS FOLLOWED THE LIVING
WHAT MADE THIS EXPERIENCE EVEN MORE INTERESTING WAS THAT I DID NOT SIT IN THAT PARKING LOT RECITING PRINCIPLES TO MYSELF.
I DID NOT CONSCIOUSLY WALK THROUGH A PROCESS.
I DID NOT TELL MYSELF:
HONESTY JUST NEEDS AIR.
LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS.
FACTS HAVE NO FEELINGS.
HUMILITY HAS NO EGO.
I SIMPLY LIVED THE MOMENT.
ONLY AFTERWARD, WHEN I TURNED THE MIRROR TOWARD MYSELF AND EXAMINED WHAT HAD HAPPENED, DID I RECOGNIZE THAT THE FOUR PILLARS I HAD BEEN LEARNING TO LIVE WERE ALREADY PRESENT WITHIN MY RESPONSE.
THAT WAS PROFOUND FOR ME.
I DID NOT BEGIN LIVING THE FOUR PILLARS AFTER I FOUND THE WORDS FOR THEM.
THE WORDS CAME AS I BEGAN RECOGNIZING HOW I WAS ALREADY LEARNING TO LIVE.
THE MIRROR DID NOT CREATE THE PERSON STANDING BEFORE IT.
IT ALLOWED THAT PERSON “ME” TO SEE WHAT WAS ALREADY THERE.
HONESTY OPENS THE WINDOW
WHEN I FIRST EXAMINED WHY I LEFT THAT PARKING LOT, I DID NOT HAVE A PERFECT ANSWER.
PART OF ME WONDERED WHETHER I HAD ESCAPED. ANOTHER PART OF ME FELT THAT LEAVING WAS THE RIGHT DECISION. AND THEN GUILT TRIED TO ENTER THE ROOM.
THE OLD VOICE SAID THAT BECAUSE THIS PERSON WAS A CLOSE RELATIVE, PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE INITIATED AN INTERACTION WHETHER I WANTED ONE OR NOT.
THE FIRST PILLAR DID NOT TELL ME WHICH VOICE WAS CORRECT. IT SIMPLY REQUIRED ME TO GIVE THEM AIR.
HONESTY JUST NEEDS AIR.
I DID NOT HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY JUSTIFY MYSELF.
I DID NOT HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY CONDEMN MYSELF.
I COULD SIMPLY LOOK.
AND EVENTUALLY I RECOGNIZED SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
THE GUILT WAS NOT NECESSARILY EVIDENCE THAT I HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG.
SOME OF IT WAS OLD PROGRAMMING ASKING ME TO RETURN TO AN OLD RULE:
BECAUSE THIS PERSON IS FAMILY, I SHOULD OVERRIDE MYSELF.
I COULD GIVE THAT OLD RULE AIR WITHOUT GIVING IT AUTHORITY.
LOVE DOES NOT REQUIRE SELF-ABANDONMENT
I DID NOT NEED TO MAKE THE OTHER PERSON WRONG IN ORDER TO LEAVE.
I DID NOT NEED TO HATE THEM.
I DID NOT NEED TO JUDGE THEIR WORTH.
AND I DID NOT NEED TO CREATE ANOTHER OFFENSE TO JUSTIFY MY CHOICE.
I COULD LOVE THE PERSON AND STILL NOT DESIRE AN INTERACTION.
THAT WAS ANOTHER MIRROR.
FOR MUCH OF MY LIFE, I HAD CONFUSED LOVE WITH THE REQUIREMENT TO OVERRIDE MYSELF.
I HAD BELIEVED THAT INCLUDING MYSELF MIGHT MEAN EXCLUDING SOMEONE ELSE.
I NO LONGER BELIEVE THAT.
LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS.
AND THE LOVE I GIVE DOES NOT REQUIRE MY OWN EXCLUSION.
I CAN KEEP ANOTHER PERSON WITHIN LOVE WITHOUT GIVING THEM AUTOMATIC PARTICIPATION IN EVERY PART OF MY LIFE.
I CAN INCLUDE MYSELF WITHOUT REQUIRING SOMEONE ELSE TO BE WRONG FIRST.
FACTS KEEP THE MIRROR CLEAN
THE FACTS OF THAT MOMENT WERE SIMPLE.
THE OTHER PERSON DID NOT SEE ME.
THEY DID NOT SPEAK TO ME.
I DID NOT IGNORE SOMEONE WHO WAS STANDING THERE TALKING TO ME.
I SAW THEM.
I REALIZED I DID NOT WANT TO INITIATE AN INTERACTION.
AND I LEFT.
EVERYTHING BEYOND THAT REQUIRED EXAMINATION.
FACTS HAVE NO FEELINGS.
MY FEELINGS MATTERED.
MY HISTORY MATTERED.
MY INTERNAL RESPONSE MATTERED.
BUT NONE OF THOSE THINGS NEEDED TO REWRITE WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
THE FACTS GAVE THE EXPERIENCE A FOUNDATION.
HUMILITY DOES NOT NEED A WINNER
I ALSO DID NOT NEED THE EXAMINATION TO PROVE THAT I HAD BEEN RIGHT.
THAT MAY HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTS.
IF I DISCOVERED THAT SOME OF MY RESPONSE CAME FROM AN OLD AVOIDANCE PATTERN, I COULD LOOK AT THAT.
IF I DISCOVERED THAT I SIMPLY DID NOT WANT THE INTERACTION, I COULD LOOK AT THAT TOO.
IF BOTH WERE PRESENT, BOTH COULD HAVE AIR.
HUMILITY HAS NO EGO.
HUMILITY DID NOT REQUIRE ME TO WIN THE EXAMINATION.
IT ONLY REQUIRED ME TO REMAIN WILLING TO SEE WHAT WAS TRUE.
AND THEN HUMILITY RETURNED ME TO HONESTY:
NOW THAT I HAVE SEEN THIS, AM I STILL BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF?
THERE WAS THE LOOP.
NOT A CLOSED SYSTEM PROTECTING ITSELF FROM QUESTIONS.
A SELF-CORRECTING LOOP THAT KEPT THE WINDOWS OPEN.
THEN THERE WAS THE DAMN ICE CREAM
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WAS SOMETHING I COULD NOT HAVE PLANNED.
THE ICE CREAM ITSELF BECAME A RUNNING JOKE.
THE MORE ABSURD THE STORY BECAME, THE MORE I LAUGHED.
AND I LAUGHED HARD.
WHAT STARTED AS A SMALL TREAT BECAME A RIDICULOUS MIRROR THROUGH WHICH I BEGAN SEEING SOMETHING ELSE I HAD NOT BEEN PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO.
JOY.
I HAD SPENT A GREAT DEAL OF MY JOURNEY EXAMINING WHAT HURT.
I HAD LOOKED AT OLD PROGRAMMING.
I HAD LOOKED AT FEAR.
I HAD LOOKED AT LOSS.
I HAD LOOKED AT SELF-ABANDONMENT.
I HAD LOOKED AT THE PARTS OF MY LIFE THAT NEEDED AIR, HONESTY, CORRECTION, AND RELEASE.
THAT WORK MATTERED.
BUT SOMEWHERE WITHIN ALL OF THAT SERIOUS EXAMINATION, I REALIZED THAT JOY HAD BECOME VERY QUIET.
THEN I FOUND MYSELF LAUGHING ABOUT A CUP OF ICE CREAM.
AND SOMETHING WITHIN ME REMEMBERED.
I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE JOY.
NOT AFTER I FINISH HEALING.
NOT AFTER I HAVE EXAMINED EVERY OLD WOUND.
NOT AFTER I HAVE BECOME SOME PERFECT VERSION OF MYSELF.
NOW.
JOY GETS A ROOM AT HOME
THAT REALIZATION CHANGED SOMETHING FOR ME.
HOME IS NOT ONLY THE PLACE WITHIN MYSELF WHERE I GO TO EXAMINE WHAT HURTS.
HOME IS ALSO WHERE I LIVE.
JOY CAN LIVE THERE.
LAUGHTER CAN LIVE THERE.
PLAYFULNESS CAN LIVE THERE.
REST CAN LIVE THERE.
GRIEF CAN HAVE A ROOM.
ANGER CAN HAVE A ROOM.
UNCERTAINTY CAN HAVE A ROOM.
AND JOY CAN HAVE A ROOM TOO.
NONE OF THEM NEEDS TO OWN THE ENTIRE HOUSE.
THAT LED ME TO A WORD THAT HAS BECOME VERY PRESENT IN MY LIFE:
ALIVENESS.
PERHAPS THAT IS LARGER THAN JOY.
JOY IS ONE EXPERIENCE WITHIN LIFE.
ALIVENESS IS THE WILLINGNESS TO ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE IN THE WHOLE THING.
I CAN CONTINUE HEALING WHILE I AM ALIVE.
I CAN CONTINUE LEARNING WHILE I AM ALIVE.
I CAN CONTINUE EXAMINING MYSELF WHILE I AM ALIVE.
AND BEING ALIVE INCLUDES LAUGHTER.
IT INCLUDES PLEASURE.
IT INCLUDES REST.
IT INCLUDES THE ABSURDITY OF A CUP OF ICE CREAM.
IT INCLUDES MOMENTS THAT DO NOT NEED TO TEACH ME ANYTHING AT ALL.
JOY GETS A ROOM AT HOME.
ALIVENESS GETS THE WHOLE HOUSE.
THE ORDINARY MAY NOT BE INSIGNIFICANT
THEN THAT LITTLE CUP OF ICE CREAM SHOWED ME SOMETHING ELSE.
NOT BECAUSE THE ICE CREAM HAD WISDOM.
NOT BECAUSE IT HAD AN ASSIGNMENT.
NOT BECAUSE I BELIEVE EVERY ORDINARY EVENT CONTAINS A HIDDEN MESSAGE.
THE ICE CREAM PERFORMED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
IT WAS SIMPLY PRESENT.
AND YET AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF RECOGNITION HAPPENED AROUND SOMETHING THAT SEEMED COMPLETELY INSIGNIFICANT.
THAT MADE ME WONDER HOW OFTEN I HAVE MEASURED SIGNIFICANCE BY SIZE.
HOW OFTEN HAVE I ASSUMED THAT SOMETHING SMALL COULD NOT MATTER VERY MUCH?
HOW OFTEN HAVE I FAILED TO RECOGNIZE THE IMPACT OF A SIMPLE WORD, A BRIEF CONVERSATION, A MOMENT OF KINDNESS, A CHOICE, A LAUGH, OR SOMEONE’S PRESENCE?
WE MAY NEVER COMPLETELY KNOW THE IMPACT WE HAVE UPON ANOTHER PERSON.
SOMETHING WE FORGET TOMORROW MAY BE REMEMBERED BY SOMEONE ELSE FOR YEARS.
A CARELESS SENTENCE MAY HURT MORE THAN WE REALIZE.
A SIMPLE KINDNESS MAY ARRIVE DURING A MOMENT WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.
A PERSON WHO BELIEVES THEIR PRESENCE DOES NOT MATTER MAY HAVE ALREADY BECOME PART OF SOMEONE ELSE’S STORY WITHOUT EVER KNOWING IT.
VISIBLE IMPORTANCE AND ACTUAL IMPACT ARE NOT THE SAME THING.
AND THAT REQUIRES HUMILITY IN BOTH DIRECTIONS.
I DO NOT NEED TO INFLATE MY IMPORTANCE.
AND I DO NOT NEED TO ERASE MY IMPACT.
I CAN ALLOW IT TO BE EXACTLY THE SIZE OF THE TRUTH.
NO BIGGER.
NO SMALLER.
JUST TRUE.
THE FOUR PILLARS DO NOT GIVE ME THE ANSWER
PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THIS ORDINARY EXPERIENCE SHOWED ME IS WHAT THE FOUR PILLARS ACTUALLY DO.
THEY DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO BELIEVE.
THEY DO NOT TELL ME WHAT ANOTHER PERSON SHOULD DO.
THEY DO NOT GIVE ME AUTHORITY OVER SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE.
THEY DO NOT EVEN GUARANTEE THAT MY FIRST INTERPRETATION IS CORRECT.
THEY SIMPLY KEEP TURNING THE MIRROR TOWARD SELF.
AM I BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF?
CAN I KEEP MYSELF AND ANOTHER PERSON WITHIN LOVE WHILE I LOOK?
WHAT DO THE FACTS ACTUALLY SUPPORT?
CAN I ACCEPT WHAT I FIND WITHOUT MY EGO REQUIRING A PARTICULAR VERDICT?
AND THEN:
NOW THAT I HAVE SEEN THIS, AM I STILL BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF?
THE LOOP CONTINUES.
THE WINDOWS REMAIN OPEN.
THE BLUEPRINT OF THE FOUR PILLARS DOES NOT FORCE THE ANSWER.
IT CREATES A PLACE WHERE I CAN HONESTLY EXAMINE THE ANSWER FOR MYSELF.
THE MIRROR DOES NOT CHASE ANYONE
THIS IS ALSO WHY I DO NOT WANT TO USE MY EXPERIENCE TO TELL ANOTHER PERSON HOW TO LIVE.
MY LIFE IS MY MIRROR.
YOUR LIFE IS YOURS.
I CAN SHARE WHAT I HAVE EXPERIENCED.
I CAN SHARE WHAT I HAVE DISCOVERED.
I CAN STAND ALONGSIDE ANOTHER PERSON WHILE THEY LOOK.
BUT I CANNOT DECIDE WHAT THEY MUST SEE.
I CANNOT FORCE HONESTY.
I CANNOT FORCE SELF-EXAMINATION.
I CANNOT FORCE CHANGE.
AND I WOULD NOT WANT TO.
FREE WILL MEANS THE MIRROR REMAINS AVAILABLE WITHOUT BECOMING A DEMAND.
IF SOMEONE CHOOSES TO LOOK, THEY LOOK.
IF THEY CHOOSE NOT TO, THE MIRROR DOES NOT CHASE THEM DOWN THE STREET.
MY EXPERIENCE IS NOT A VERDICT UPON SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE.
IT IS SIMPLY SOMETHING I CAN OFFER AS A MIRROR.
PERHAPS THE MIRROR WAS ALREADY THERE
I USED TO THINK THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENTS OF CHANGE WOULD BE OBVIOUS.
PERHAPS SOME ARE.
BUT I AM BEGINNING TO WONDER HOW MUCH OF LIFE REVEALS ITSELF THROUGH MOMENTS WE ALMOST DISMISS.
A CONVERSATION.
A DECISION.
A BOUNDARY.
A LAUGH.
A MOMENT WHEN GUILT APPEARS AND WE REALIZE WE DO NOT HAVE TO OBEY IT.
A MOMENT WHEN THE OLD RESPONSE KNOCKS AND WE REALIZE IT NO LONGER OWNS THE HOUSE.
A MOMENT WHEN WE RESPOND DIFFERENTLY WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO RESPOND DIFFERENTLY.
AND MAYBE WE STOP FOR A SECOND AND REALIZE:
I AM NOT TRYING TO BECOME THIS ANYMORE.
SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY I AM LIVING HAS ACTUALLY CHANGED.
THE MIRROR DID NOT CREATE THAT CHANGE.
IT SIMPLY MADE IT VISIBLE.
PERHAPS THAT IS WHY SOMETHING AS RIDICULOUS AS A CUP OF ICE CREAM COULD BECOME SO MEANINGFUL TO ME.
THE CUP WAS SMALL.
THE MOMENT LOOKED INSIGNIFICANT.
THE MIRROR WAS ENORMOUS.
AND WHAT I SAW WITHIN IT WAS NOT ANOTHER THING THAT NEEDED TO BE FIXED.
I SAW SOMETHING I HAD ALMOST FORGOTTEN TO INCLUDE IN THE JOURNEY.
LIFE.
NOT LIFE AFTER THE WORK IS FINISHED.
NOT LIFE AFTER EVERYTHING HAS BEEN HEALED.
NOT LIFE AFTER I FINALLY BECOME ENOUGH.
LIFE NOW.
JOY NOW.
LAUGHTER NOW.
PRESENCE NOW.
ALIVENESS NOW.
PERHAPS THE MIRROR WILL NOT ALWAYS ARRIVE THROUGH THE BIGGEST MOMENT OF OUR LIVES.
PERHAPS SOMETIMES IT WILL BE SITTING INSIDE SOMETHING SO ORDINARY THAT WE ALMOST WALK RIGHT PAST IT.
THE QUESTION IS NOT WHETHER THE ORDINARY MOMENT IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO DESERVE OUR ATTENTION.
PERHAPS THE QUESTION IS SIMPLY:
AM I PRESENT ENOUGH TO SEE WHAT IT REVEALS?
THE MIRROR DOES NOT CREATE WHAT IT REVEALS.
IT SIMPLY ALLOWS US TO SEE WHAT IS ALREADY STANDING THERE.
AND SOMETIMES WHAT WE DISCOVER IS NOT ANOTHER THING THAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED.
SOMETIMES WE DISCOVER THAT WE ARE ALIVE.]
FOR THE HONESTY IS WITH THE AIR.
FOR THE LOVE IS WITH NO CONDITIONS.
FOR THE FACTS ARE WITH NO FEELINGS.
FOR THE HUMILITY IS WITH NO EGO.
FOR THE MIRROR IS WITH THE [OR]DINARY.
FOR THE FREE-WILL IS WITH EACH PERSON.
FOR THE HOME IS WITH THE WINDOWS-OPEN.
FOR THE JOY IS WITH ITS ROOM.
FOR THE [A]LIVENESS IS WITH THE WHOLE-HOUSE.
FOR THE HONOR AND GRATITUDE IS WITH THE BLESSINGS OF YOUR SOUL’S-JOURNEY AND EVOLUTION BY THE GRIDWALKER AND POSTMASTER: Ephraim-H: Troyer.
: ANCHOR. ⚓️
: PILLAR.
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