[WE JUST NEED ENOUGH ROOM FOR THE TRUTH.]

[FOR A LONG TIME I ASSOCIATED GROWTH WITH ANSWERS.

IF I COULD UNDERSTAND ENOUGH, HEAL ENOUGH, EXAMINE ENOUGH, OR FINALLY MAKE SENSE OF ENOUGH OF MY LIFE, MAYBE I WOULD ARRIVE AT SOME PLACE WHERE EVERYTHING FIT.

WHERE THE QUESTIONS BECAME QUIETER, WHERE THE UNCERTAINTY DISAPPEARED, WHERE I FINALLY KNEW.

BUT FROM MY EXPERIENCE, I AM BEGINNING TO COMPREHEND SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

MAYBE HOME DOES NOT EXPAND BECAUSE I FINALLY HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.

MAYBE HOME EXPANDS BECAUSE I AM WILLING TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE HARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS.

THAT IS DIFFERENT.

I HAVE SPENT A LOT OF TIME LOOKING AT MYSELF. NOT THE VERSION OF MYSELF I WOULD PREFER TO IN THE PRESENT. NOT THE VERSION THAT ALWAYS MAKES THE RIGHT DECISION. NOT THE VERSION THAT HAS A CLEAN EXPLANATION FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO MYSELF.

AND SOMETIMES WHAT I FIND IS UNCOMFORTABLE.

OLD PROGRAMMING, FEAR, GRIEF, ANGER, LONELINESS, UNCERTAINTY, QUESTIONS ABOUT MY OWN DECISIONS, QUESTIONS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S ACTIONS, QUESTIONS THAT DO NOT IMMEDIATELY HAVE ANSWERS.

I USED TO THINK THAT PERHAPS PEACE WOULD COME WHEN ENOUGH OF THOSE THINGS WERE RESOLVED.

NOW I AM DISCOVERING THAT PEACE HAS VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH HAVING EVERYTHING RESOLVED.

SOMETIMES I CAN SIMPLY PUT SOMETHING ON THE TABLE, AND LOOK AT IT.

I DO NOT HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY DEFEND MYSELF FROM IT.

I DO NOT HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY ACCEPT IT AS TRUE.

I DO NOT HAVE TO THROW IT OUT.

I DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE IT RESIDENCY.

I CAN GIVE IT AIR.

EVERYTHING GETS AIR, NOT EVERYTHING GETS RESIDENCY.

THAT HAS BECOME AN IMPORTANT PART OF HOME FOR ME.

THE WINDOWS CAN REMAIN OPEN WITHOUT THE HOUSE BECOMING UNPROTECTED.

I CAN ALLOW A QUESTION TO ENTER WITHOUT GIVING THE QUESTION AUTHORITY OVER ME.

I CAN EXPERIENCE AN EMOTION WITHOUT MAKING THAT EMOTION THE VERDICT.

I CAN HEAR ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE WITHOUT AUTOMATICALLY ACCEPTING OR REJECTING IT.

I CAN LOOK AT SOMETHING I HAVE BELIEVED FOR YEARS AND ASK WHETHER IT STILL HOLDS TRUE.

AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY, I CAN DISCOVER THAT I WAS WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING WITHOUT HAVING TO ABANDON MYSELF BECAUSE I WAS WRONG.

THAT IS WHERE THE FOUR PILLARS CONTINUE TO MEET ME.

HONESTY JUST NEEDS AIR.

HONESTY ALLOWS ME TO PUT THE THING ON THE TABLE.

NOT THE POLISHED VERSION.

NOT THE VERSION THAT MAKES ME LOOK BETTER.

THE THING ITSELF, AS HONESTLY AS I CAN CURRENTLY SEE IT.

LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS.

LOVE ALLOWS ME TO EXAMINE WHAT IS ON THE TABLE WITHOUT REQUIRING ANYONE — INCLUDING MYSELF — TO BECOME UNWORTHY BECAUSE OF WHAT I FIND.

LOVE DOES NOT REQUIRE AGREEMENT.

LOVE DOES NOT REQUIRE PARTICIPATION.

LOVE DOES NOT REMOVE DISCERNMENT.

AND LOVE DOES NOT REQUIRE ME TO ABANDON MYSELF IN ORDER TO KEEP SOMEONE ELSE WITHIN IT.

FACTS HAVE NO FEELINGS.

MY FEELINGS ARE REAL.

THEY ARE PART OF MY EXPERIENCE.

THEY MAY EVEN HELP SHOW ME WHERE SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE EXAMINED.

BUT THEY DO NOT GET TO CHANGE WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

AND SOMETIMES THAT WORKS IN MY FAVOR, SOMETIMES IT DOES NOT.

THAT IS THE POINT.

THE FACTS DO NOT OWE ME THE ANSWER I WANT.

HUMILITY HAS NO EGO.

HUMILITY ALLOWS ME TO SAY SOMETHING THAT I ONCE FOUND MUCH MORE DIFFICULT TO SAY:

I DON’T KNOW.

OR:

I MAY HAVE BEEN WRONG.

OR:

I NEED MORE INFORMATION.

OR EVEN:

I UNDERSTAND THIS DIFFERENTLY NOW THAN I DID BEFORE.

THERE IS AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF ROOM INSIDE THOSE WORDS, “I DON’T KNOW”.

I ONCE THOUGHT UNCERTAINTY WAS SOMETHING THAT NEEDED TO BE CONQUERED.

NOW I AM BEGINNING TO SEE THAT UNCERTAINTY DOES NOT REQUIRE SELF-ABANDONMENT.

HOME CAN EXPAND WITHOUT REQUIRING CERTAINTY.

THAT MAY BE ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS I AM LEARNING.

HOME DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A PLACE WHERE EVERY QUESTION HAS BEEN ANSWERED.

HOME CAN BE THE PLACE WITHIN MYSELF WHERE I AM SAFE ENOUGH TO ASK THE HARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS.

HOME CAN BE THE PLACE WHERE I CAN DISCOVER SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF THAT I DO NOT LIKE AND REMAIN PRESENT LONG ENOUGH TO EXAMINE IT.

HOME CAN BE THE PLACE WHERE OLD PROGRAMMING WALKS THROUGH AN OPEN WINDOW AND I DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY HAND IT THE FUCKING KEYS.

I CAN ASK:

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO PROTECT?

WHAT FACTS SUPPORT YOU NOW?

WHAT FACTS DO NOT?

DO YOU STILL BELONG HERE?

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER COMES QUICKLY.

SOMETIMES IT DOES NOT.

SOMETIMES SOMETHING I THOUGHT I HAD FINISHED EXAMINING RETURNS AGAIN.

THAT DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN I FAILED.

IT MAY SIMPLY MEAN THERE IS SOMETHING MORE TO SEE.

I DO NOT HAVE TO HUNT FOR EVERYTHING INSIDE MYSELF THAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED.

I HAVE DONE A LOT OF THAT.

LIFE HAS A WAY OF BRINGING THINGS TO THE TABLE WITHOUT ME HAVING TO HUNT FOR THEM.

WHEN THEY ARRIVE, I CAN LOOK, AND I CAN REMAIN HOME WHILE I DO.

THAT HAS CHANGED SOMETHING FOR ME.

BECAUSE I AM BEGINNING TO RECOGNIZE THAT MAKING ROOM DOES NOT MEAN AGREEMENT.

ROOM IS NOT AGREEMENT.

MAKING ROOM FOR SOMETHING DOES NOT MEAN I BELIEVE IT.

MAKING ROOM FOR AN EMOTION DOES NOT MEAN I LET IT GOVERN ME.

MAKING ROOM FOR ANOTHER PERSON’S PERSPECTIVE DOES NOT REQUIRE ME TO SURRENDER MY OWN.

MAKING ROOM FOR THE POSSIBILITY THAT I WAS WRONG DOES NOT REQUIRE ME TO ASSUME THAT I WAS.

MAKING ROOM FOR SOMEONE’S ACTIONS DOES NOT REQUIRE ME TO PARTICIPATE IN EVERYTHING THEY DO.

AND MAKING ROOM FOR MY OWN ACTIONS DOES NOT REQUIRE ME TO EXCUSE EVERYTHING I DO.

IT SIMPLY MEANS I DO NOT HAVE TO RIG THE EXAMINATION BEFORE IT BEGINS.

THE MIRROR CAN FACE BOTH DIRECTIONS.

I CAN LOOK AT WHAT IS IN FRONT OF ME, AND THEN I CAN LOOK AT MYSELF.

WHAT DO I ACTUALLY KNOW?

WHAT AM I ASSUMING?

WHAT AM I FEELING?

WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?

WHAT STORY HAVE I ADDED?

WHAT DO MY OWN ACTIONS SHOW?

AND AM I WILLING TO CHANGE MY UNDERSTANDING IF THE TRUTH REQUIRES IT?

THAT LAST QUESTION MATTERS TO ME.

BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT THE FOUR PILLARS TO BECOME ANOTHER RULEBOOK I TRY TO LIVE ACCORDING TO.

I WANT TO CONTINUE LIVING FROM THEM.

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

A RULEBOOK CAN TELL ME WHAT THE ANSWER IS SUPPOSED TO BE.

THE FOUR PILLARS, FROM MY EXPERIENCE, DO NOT GIVE ME THE VERDICT, THEY GIVE ME AN ARCHITECTURE FROM WHICH I CAN EXAMINE WHAT IS TRUE.

AND SOMETIMES THE MOST HONEST VERDICT AVAILABLE IS:

I DON’T KNOW YET.

THAT ANSWER USED TO FEEL INCOMPLETE.

NOW IT OFTEN FEELS LIKE FREEDOM, BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE TO FORCE CERTAINTY JUST SO I CAN FEEL SAFE.

I CAN REMAIN WITH MYSELF INSIDE THE UNKNOWN.

I CAN KEEP THE WINDOWS OPEN.

I CAN KEEP THE MIRROR TURNED BOTH WAYS.

I CAN KEEP LOVE PRESENT.

I CAN LET THE FACTS REMAIN WHAT THEY ARE.

I CAN ALLOW MY UNDERSTANDING TO CHANGE.

AND I CAN KEEP LIVING WHILE THE ANSWER IS STILL FORMING.

MAYBE THAT IS PART OF WHAT IT MEANS FOR HOME TO EXPAND.

NOT THAT I HAVE FINALLY BUILT A ROOM LARGE ENOUGH TO CONTAIN ALL THE ANSWERS.

BUT THAT I NO LONGER NEED ALL THE ANSWERS BEFORE I ALLOW MYSELF TO LIVE THERE.

MAYBE HOME DOES NOT EXPAND BECAUSE I FINALLY HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.

MAYBE HOME EXPANDS EACH TIME I DISCOVER THAT I DO NOT NEED AN IMMEDIATE ANSWER IN ORDER TO REMAIN WITH MYSELF.

I CAN OPEN THE WINDOWS. I CAN PUT WHAT IS HEAVY ON THE TABLE. I CAN LET THE MIRROR FACE BOTH DIRECTIONS I CAN ADMIT WHAT I KNOW. I CAN ADMIT WHAT I DO NOT KNOW. I CAN CHANGE MY UNDERSTANDING WHEN THE FACTS REQUIRE IT. I CAN REMAIN WITHIN LOVE WHILE STILL USING DISCERNMENT.

I DO NOT NEED TO MAKE MYSELF SMALLER.

I DO NOT NEED TO MAKE ANOTHER PERSON SMALLER.

I DO NOT NEED TO MAKE THE TRUTH FIT INSIDE THE ROOM I HAVE ALREADY BUILT.

MAYBE I JUST NEED TO MAKE THE ROOM BIGGER.

AND PERHAPS THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING WITHOUT FULLY REALIZING IT.

NOT BUILDING A HOME WHERE NOTHING DIFFICULT CAN ENTER.

BUILDING A HOME LARGE ENOUGH THAT SOMETHING DIFFICULT CAN ENTER WITHOUT TAKING OVER THE WHOLE DAMN HOUSE.

A HOME WHERE THE WINDOWS CAN REMAIN OPEN.

A HOME WHERE QUESTIONS ARE NOT ENEMIES.

A HOME WHERE BEING WRONG DOES NOT REQUIRE SELF-CONDEMNATION.

A HOME WHERE DISCERNMENT DOES NOT REQUIRE JUDGMENT.

A HOME WHERE LOVE DOES NOT REQUIRE SELF-BETRAYAL.

A HOME WHERE UNCERTAINTY DOES NOT REQUIRE FEAR.

A HOME WHERE THE TRUTH DOES NOT HAVE TO KNOCK QUIETLY BECAUSE MY EGO IS SLEEPING.

THE TRUTH CAN WALK THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, BECAUSE THERE IS ENOUGH ROOM. AND IF WHAT WALKS THROUGH THAT DOOR CHANGES SOMETHING I HAVE BELIEVED?

THEN I WANT ENOUGH HUMILITY TO LOOK AGAIN.

BECAUSE THE PURPOSE WAS NEVER TO PROVE THAT I HAD FINALLY BECOME RIGHT.

THE PURPOSE WAS TO BECOME HONEST ENOUGH TO KEEP LOOKING SO THE MIRROR TURNS TOWARD ME AGAIN.

NOT WITH A VERDICT.

NOT WITH A COMMAND.

JUST WITH THE QUESTION:

AM I?

MAYBE I NEVER NEEDED ENOUGH ANSWERS TO CONTROL THE ROOM.

MAYBE WE JUST NEEDED ENOUGH ROOM FOR THE TRUTH.

THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE, MY PERSPECTIVE, AND MY COMPREHENSION FROM WHERE I STAND TODAY.

I OFFER IT AS A MIRROR, NOT AN AUTHORITY.

WHAT YOU SEE IN YOURS REMAINS YOURS.]

FOR THE HONOR OF YOU LIFE’S-JOURNEY IS WITH THE BLESSING BY THE GRIDWALKER AND POSTMASTER: Ephraim-H: Troyer.

: HONESTY IS WITH THE OPEN-AIR.

: LOVE IS WITH NO CONDITIONS.

: FACTS ARE WITH NO FEELINGS.

: HUMILITY IS WITH NO EGO.

: QUESTIONS ARE WITH NO [RE]QUIRED-VERDICT.

: MIRROR IS WITH BOTH DIRECTIONS.

: HOME IS WITH THE [EX]PANSION.

: TRUTH IS WITHIN THE ROOM.

: GRATITUDE.

: ANCHOR. ⚓️

: PILLAR.