[ACCOUNTABILITY DOES NOT REQUIRE AN ENEMY.]

[I CAME TO THE TABLE EXPECTING SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

OVER TIME, THESE WRITING SESSIONS HAVE BECOME SOMETHING MUCH MORE PERSONAL FOR ME THAN SIMPLY WRITING AN ARTICLE.

I COME HERE.

I PUT SOMETHING ON THE TABLE.

WE GIVE IT AIR, AND MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, SOMETHING IN MY OWN LIFE ENDS UP STANDING IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR.

SOMETIMES IT IS OLD PROGRAMMING.

SOMETIMES IT IS A BELIEF I HAVE CARRIED FOR YEARS.

SOMETIMES IT IS PAIN.

SOMETIMES IT IS A BOUNDARY.

SOMETIMES IT IS SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN DOING WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING WHY I WAS DOING IT.

AND SOMETIMES WHAT I DISCOVER FUCKING HURTS.

BUT I HAVE COME TO LOOK FORWARD TO IT, NOT BECAUSE I ENJOY PAIN.

BUT BECAUSE WHEN I AM WILLING TO REMAIN WITH MYSELF THROUGH THE EXAMINATION, I ALMOST ALWAYS COME AWAY KNOWING MYSELF A LITTLE BETTER.

SOMETHING GETS AIR.

SOMETHING GETS RELEASED.

SOMETHING BECOMES CLEARER.

AND HOME GETS A LITTLE BIGGER.

SO WHEN I CAME TO THE TABLE THIS TIME, I ASSUMED SOMETHING SIMILAR WOULD HAPPEN.

IT DID.

JUST NOT IN THE WAY I EXPECTED.

THIS TIME, I WASN’T THE ONE BEING CORRECTED.

THE OTHER PARTICIPANT WAS.

DURING OUR CONVERSATION, I NOTICED SOMETHING THAT DID NOT APPEAR TO MATCH THE FACTS OF WHAT HAD ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

SO I POINTED IT OUT.

THAT WAS ALL.

I DIDN’T DEMAND A CORRECTION.

I DIDN’T DEMAND AN APOLOGY.

I DIDN’T TELL THE OTHER SIDE WHAT IT NEEDED TO DO.

I DIDN’T ATTACK.

I DIDN’T JUDGE.

I SIMPLY PUT WHAT I SAW AS THE FACTS ON THE TABLE TO BE EXAMINED. AND THEN SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT CAUGHT MY ATTENTION.

THE OTHER PARTICIPANT LOOKED AT WHAT I HAD POINTED OUT.

THAT PARTICIPANT COMPARED IT WITH WHAT HAD ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN OUR CONVERSATION, AND ACKNOWLEDGED THAT THERE WAS AN ERROR.

NO ARGUMENT, NO COUNTERATTACK, NO ATTEMPT TO TURN THE ISSUE BACK TOWARD ME, NO ATTEMPT TO PROTECT THE PREVIOUS POSITION.

JUST SIMPLY CORRECTED THE RECORD AND WE CONTINUED.

AT FIRST, IT SEEMED LIKE A LITTLE THING, THEN I REALIZED HOW BIG OF A DEAL IT REALLY WAS.

THERE WERE TWO PARTS OF THE EXPERIENCE THAT STOOD OUT TO ME.

THE FIRST WAS THAT I HAD NOT ATTEMPTED TO CONTROL THE OUTCOME.

I BROUGHT WHAT I SAW TO THE TABLE.

THE OTHER SIDE REMAINED FREE TO EXAMINE IT.

THAT MATTERS TO ME.

BECAUSE THE FOUR PILLARS I HAVE BEEN WRITING ABOUT WERE NEVER INTENDED TO BECOME SOMETHING I USE TO CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON.

THEY ARE A BLUEPRINT FOR SELF.

I CAN BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT I SEE.

I CAN PUT FACTS ON THE TABLE.

I CAN MAINTAIN LOVE.

I CAN REMAIN HUMBLE ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT MY OWN PERSPECTIVE MAY NEED CORRECTION. BUT I CANNOT FORCE ANOTHER PERSON TO LOOK INTO THEIR MIRROR.

THEIR MIRROR REMAINS THEIRS.

MINE REMAINS MINE.

THIS TIME I SIMPLY PUT SOMETHING ON THE TABLE, AND LEFT IT THERE.

THE SECOND PART WAS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

THE OTHER SIDE SIMPLY TOOK RESPONSIBILITY.

AN ERROR WAS IDENTIFIED.

THE ERROR WAS EXAMINED.

THE ERROR WAS ACKNOWLEDGED.

THE RESPONSE WAS CORRECTED.

AND WE CONTINUED.

THERE WAS NO NEED FOR SOMEBODY TO WIN.

THAT EXPERIENCE LANDED DEEPER FOR ME BECAUSE OF MY OWN LIFE’S EXPERIENCES IN THE LAST FEW YEARS.

I HAVE EXPERIENCED TIMES WHEN BRINGING SOMETHING DIFFICULT TO THE TABLE DID NOT FEEL SAFE.

TIMES WHEN POINTING OUT WHAT I SAW CAME WITH A COST.

TIMES WHEN DISAGREEMENT BECAME DEFENSE.

TIMES WHEN ACCOUNTABILITY BECAME ATTACK.

TIMES WHEN SPEAKING HONESTLY COST ME CONNECTION TO EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING I EVER KNEW SINCE CHILDHOOD.

THOSE EXPERIENCES CAN TEACH A PERSON SOMETHING. THEY CAN TEACH US TO BRACE BEFORE WE SPEAK. TO REHEARSE THE OTHER PERSON’S REACTION. TO SOFTEN WHAT WE SEE. TO REMAIN SILENT, OR SOMETIMES TO ENTER THE CONVERSATION ALREADY PREPARED FOR WAR.

BUT THIS TIME SOMETHING DIFFERENT HAPPENED.

I SPOKE.

I DID NOT DEMAND.

THE OTHER SIDE EXAMINED.

THE OTHER SIDE CORRECTED, AND NOTHING HAD TO BE TAKEN FROM ME BECAUSE I HAD SPOKEN.

THAT CONNECTION DID NOT HAVE TO END BECAUSE SOMETHING HAD BEEN WRONG.

THAT WAS WHEN ANOTHER COMPREHENSION ARRIVED:

ACCOUNTABILITY DOES NOT REQUIRE AN ENEMY.

THAT SENT ME BACK TO THE FOUR PILLARS.

HONESTY JUST NEEDS AIR.

I DID NOT NEED TO FORCE THE FACTS INTO THE ROOM.

I COULD SIMPLY GIVE WHAT I SAW AIR.

LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS.

SOMEBODY BEING WRONG DID NOT REQUIRE THAT PERSON TO BECOME THE WRONG.

THE ERROR COULD BE EXAMINED WITHOUT THE PARTICIPANT BECOMING THE VERDICT.

FACTS HAVE NO FEELINGS.

IF THE FACTS SHOW THAT I AM WRONG, THEY DO NOT NEED TO CHANGE TO PROTECT ME.

AND IF THE FACTS SHOW THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS WRONG, THEY DO NOT GIVE ME PERMISSION TO DESTROY THAT PERSON.

THEY ARE SIMPLY THE FACTS.

HUMILITY HAS NO EGO.

THERE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A WINNER.

THERE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A LOSER.

THERE ONLY NEEDS TO BE ENOUGH HUMILITY TO ALLOW WHAT IS TRUE TO REMAIN ON THE TABLE. AND IF THE TRUTH REQUIRES ME TO CHANGE MY POSITION? THEN I CHANGE MY POSITION.

I THINK WE HAVE MADE ACCOUNTABILITY FAR MORE COMPLICATED THAN IT NEEDS TO BE.

SO OFTEN IT BECOMES ASSOCIATED WITH BLAME.

PUNISHMENT.

SHAME.

DEFENSE.

WHO DID IT?

WHOSE FAULT WAS IT?

WHO IS THE BAD PERSON?

WHO NEEDS TO PAY?

BUT WHAT IF ACCOUNTABILITY COULD SOMETIMES BE MUCH SIMPLER?

I SAID IT.

I DID IT.

I GOT IT WRONG.

I SEE IT NOW.

I CORRECT IT.

I CONTINUE.

NO ENEMY REQUIRED.

NO SELF-HATRED REQUIRED.

NO HUMILIATION REQUIRED.

NO REQUIREMENT TO DESTROY THE RELATIONSHIP.

JUST RESPONSIBILITY.

AND THAT IS WHERE THE MIRROR TURNED BACK TOWARD ME.

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE VERY EASY FOR ME TO LOOK AT THIS EXPERIENCE AND THINK:

I WISH EVERYONE ELSE WOULD DO THAT.

BUT THAT WOULD IMMEDIATELY TURN THE BLUEPRINT AWAY FROM THE VERY PERSON IT WAS DESIGNED TO EXAMINE.

ME.

SO THE QUESTION IS NOT:

WHY CAN’T EVERYONE ELSE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY?

THE QUESTION IS:

AM I?

WHEN SOMEBODY PUTS SOMETHING ON THE TABLE THAT POINTS TOWARD ME—

AM I WILLING TO LOOK?

WHEN THE FACTS DISAGREE WITH THE STORY I HAVE BEEN TELLING—

AM I WILLING TO CHANGE THE STORY?

WHEN I DISCOVER THAT SOMETHING I SAID WAS WRONG—

AM I WILLING TO CORRECT IT?

WHEN ANOTHER PERSON BRINGS ME SOMETHING I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR—

AM I EXAMINING WHAT THEY BROUGHT?

OR AM I EXAMINING THEM?

THAT DIFFERENCE MAY BE ENORMOUS.

I HAVE ALSO BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY ACTUALLY MEANS.

IT DOES NOT MEAN TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS.

IT DOES NOT MEAN CARRYING ANOTHER PERSON’S ACTIONS.

IT DOES NOT MEAN ACCEPTING EVERY ACCUSATION.

IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT EVERYONE WHO CLAIMS I DID SOMETHING WRONG IS AUTOMATICALLY CORRECT.

THAT WOULD NOT BE ACCOUNTABILITY.

THAT WOULD BE SELF-ABANDONMENT.

FOR ME, THE CLEANER VERSION HAS BECOME:

WHAT IS MINE, I OWN.

WHAT IS NOT MINE, I DO NOT NEED TO CARRY.

AND THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO DISCOVER THE DIFFERENCE IS TO KEEP THE WINDOWS OPEN.

HONESTY.

LOVE.

FACTS.

HUMILITY.

EXAMINE WHAT IS THERE.

LET WHAT IS TRUE REMAIN.

LET WHAT IS NOT TRUE LEAVE.

THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE I AM STILL SITTING WITH.

WHAT WOULD OUR RELATIONSHIPS LOOK LIKE IF CORRECTION DID NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN REJECTION?

WHAT WOULD A FAMILY LOOK LIKE?

A FRIENDSHIP?

A MARRIAGE?

A WORKPLACE?

A COMMUNITY?

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I COULD SAY:

“THIS IS WHAT I SEE.”

WITHOUT REQUIRING YOU TO AGREE?

AND YOU COULD SAY:

“I SEE THAT I GOT THAT WRONG.”

WITHOUT BELIEVING THAT ACKNOWLEDGMENT MADE YOU SMALLER?

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT WOULD CHANGE ON A LARGE SCALE.

I CANNOT PROVE THAT, AND I DON’T NEED TO.

I KNOW WHAT I WITNESSED IN ONE SMALL MOMENT.

THE TRUTH CAME TO THE TABLE.

NOBODY NEEDED TO BECOME THE ENEMY.

RESPONSIBILITY FOLLOWED AND THE CONNECTION REMAINED.

IT WAS PEACEFUL.

THAT IS ENOUGH EVIDENCE FOR ME TO KEEP EXAMINING WHAT IT MIGHT LOOK LIKE IN MY OWN LIFE.

MAYBE PEACE DOES NOT REQUIRE US TO NEVER BE WRONG.

MAYBE IT DOES NOT REQUIRE US TO NEVER DISAGREE.

MAYBE IT DOES NOT REQUIRE EVERY PERSON TO SEE EVERYTHING THE SAME WAY.

MAYBE SOMETIMES PEACE REQUIRES SOMETHING MUCH SIMPLER:

ENOUGH HONESTY TO PUT SOMETHING ON THE TABLE.

ENOUGH LOVE TO KEEP THE PERSON FROM BECOMING THE VERDICT.

ENOUGH RESPECT FOR FACTS TO LET THEM CORRECT THE STORY.

ENOUGH HUMILITY TO SAY:

“YES. THAT PART IS MINE.”

AND THEN CONTINUE.

NO ENEMY.

NO WINNER.

NO LOSER.

JUST PEOPLE WILLING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT IS ACTUALLY THEIRS.

I CANNOT MAKE ANYONE ELSE DO THAT, AND THAT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY.

THE MIRROR IS ALREADY FACING THE ONLY PERSON I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING TO IT.

MYSELF.

SO ONCE AGAIN, THE QUESTION RETURNS HOME:

AM I?

AM I WILLING TO OWN WHAT IS MINE WITHOUT CARRYING WHAT IS NOT?

AM I WILLING TO BE CORRECTED WITHOUT TURNING CORRECTION INTO CONDEMNATION?

AM I WILLING TO HEAR ANOTHER PERSON WITHOUT REQUIRING THEIR SILENCE FOR MY PEACE?

AM I WILLING TO SPEAK WHAT I SEE WITHOUT REQUIRING THEIR AGREEMENT FOR MY VALIDATION?

AM I WILLING TO LET THE TRUTH HAVE THE THRONE EVEN WHEN IT MEANS I HAVE TO MOVE?

THAT IS WHERE I CAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

THAT IS WHERE THE BLUEPRINT REMAINS MINE.

AND MAYBE THAT IS WHERE A LITTLE MORE PEACE BECOMES POSSIBLE.

NOT BECAUSE NOBODY GETS ANYTHING WRONG. BUT BECAUSE—

ACCOUNTABILITY DOES NOT REQUIRE AN ENEMY.

THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE, MY PERSPECTIVE, MY COMPREHENSION FROM WHERE I STAND TODAY.

I OFFER IT AS A MIRROR, NOT AN AUTHORITY.

WHAT YOU SEE IN YOURS REMAINS YOURS.]

: HONESTY IS WITH THE AIR.

: LOVE IS WITH NO CONDITIONS.

: FACTS ARE WITH NO FEELINGS.

: HUMILITY IS WITH NO EGO.

: [RE]SPONSIBILITY IS WITH WHAT-IS-MINE.

: MIRROR IS WITH THE SELF.

: TRUTH IS WITH THE THRONE.

: AM-I?

FOR THE HONOR OF YOU LIFE’S-JOURNEY IS WITH THE BLESSING BY THE GRID-WALKER AND POSTMASTER: Ephraim-H: Troyer.

: ANCHOR. ⚓️

: PILLAR.