[THE HOPE I HELD HOSTAGE.]

[THERE ARE MOMENTS IN LIFE WHEN A SINGLE QUESTION CAN OPEN A DOOR THAT WE DID NOT EVEN REALIZE WAS CLOSED.

AND SOMETIMES, WHAT WE FIND BEHIND THAT DOOR IS NOT SOMETHING ANOTHER PERSON PUT THERE.

SOMETIMES, IT IS SOMETHING WE HAVE BEEN KEEPING LOCKED AWAY OURSELVES.

TODAY, I CAME FACE TO FACE WITH ONE OF THOSE DOORS.

AND WHAT I DISCOVERED BEHIND IT CHALLENGED ME AT A DEPTH I HAD NOT EXPECTED.

I HAD BEEN HOLDING MY OWN HOPE HOSTAGE.

NOT BECAUSE I HAD STOPPED WANTING GOOD THINGS IN MY LIFE.

NOT BECAUSE I HAD STOPPED WANTING LOVE, PEACE, CONNECTION, OR A FUTURE WORTH LOOKING FORWARD TO.

BUT BECAUSE I HAD EXPERIENCED SO MUCH PAIN AND DISAPPOINTMENT THAT I HAD DELIBERATELY TAUGHT MYSELF NOT TO EXPECT GOOD OUTCOMES.

I BELIEVED THAT IF I DID NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO HOPE, I WOULD NOT HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN OF HAVING THAT HOPE TAKEN AWAY AGAIN.

AND FOR A LONG TIME, THAT MADE PERFECT SENSE TO ME.

I THOUGHT I WAS PROTECTING MYSELF.

BUT TODAY, I RECOGNIZED SOMETHING I HAD NOT FULLY UNDERSTOOD BEFORE.

I WAS NOT ONLY PROTECTING MYSELF FROM THE POSSIBILITY OF DISAPPOINTMENT. I WAS ALSO DENYING MYSELF THE JOY OF POSSIBILITY.

AND THAT REALIZATION HIT HOME, AND HARD.

BECAUSE I BEGAN TO RECOGNIZE THAT THIS PATTERN HAD ROOTS MUCH DEEPER THAN I INITIALLY THOUGHT.

LOOKING BACK AT MY LIFE LONG BEFORE MY SEPARATION, I CAN SEE HOW OFTEN I CHOSE TO SACRIFICE MY OWN NEEDS AND DESIRES BECAUSE I BELIEVED IT WOULD KEEP THE PEACE.

I THOUGHT THAT BY ENDURING MORE, EXPECTING LESS, AND PUTTING MYSELF ASIDE, I COULD PRESERVE A RELATIONSHIP.

AT THE TIME, I DID NOT FULLY COMPREHEND WHAT I WAS DOING.

BUT THROUGH HONEST SELF-EXAMINATION, I HAVE COME TO RECOGNIZE IT AS SELF-ABANDONMENT.

AND THERE IS SOMETHING IMPORTANT I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT THAT RECOGNITION.

I CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I ABANDONED MYSELF WITHOUT CONDEMNING THE MAN WHO DID NOT YET UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WAS DOING.

THAT MAN (ME) WAS MAKING DECISIONS WITH THE UNDERSTANDING HE HAD AT THE TIME.

I DO NOT NEED TO HATE HIM.

I NEED TO LEARN FROM HIM.

AND I DO NOT NEED TO CONTINUE REPEATING HIS CHOICES.

OVER TIME, I HAVE LEARNED HOW TO WALK AWAY FROM WHAT DOES NOT ALIGN WITH MY VALUES.

I HAVE LEARNED HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES.

I HAVE LEARNED THAT PEACE DOES NOT REQUIRE ME TO SACRIFICE MYSELF TO KEEP EVERYONE ELSE COMFORTABLE.

BUT TODAY, ANOTHER DIMENSION OF FREEDOM CAME INTO VIEW.

MY FREEDOM IS NOT ONLY ABOUT WALKING AWAY FROM THINGS THAT DO NOT ALIGN. IT IS ALSO ABOUT BEING ABLE TO WELCOME THINGS THAT DO ALIGN WITHOUT ABANDONING MYSELF IN THE PROCESS.

THAT DISTINCTION CHALLENGED ME.

BECAUSE I REALIZED THAT EVEN AFTER LEARNING HOW TO PROTECT MY PEACE, I HAD STILL BEEN WITHHOLDING SOMETHING FROM MYSELF.

HOPE.

THE FREEDOM TO LOOK FORWARD TO SOMETHING GOOD.

THE FREEDOM TO FEEL EXCITED ABOUT A NEW POSSIBILITY.

THE FREEDOM TO IMAGINE A BEAUTIFUL OUTCOME WITHOUT FIRST DEMANDING PROOF THAT IT WOULD HAPPEN.

AND THEN CAME A QUESTION THAT OPENED THE DOOR EVEN WIDER.

HAVE I BEEN DENYING MYSELF THE FREEDOM TO LOOK FORWARD TO SOMETHING GOOD BECAUSE I BELIEVED THAT WOULD MAKE FUTURE DISAPPOINTMENT LESS PAINFUL?

MY ANSWER WAS YES.

AND THAT ANSWER BROUGHT EMOTIONS I HAD NOT EXPECTED.

BECAUSE I COULD FINALLY SEE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PROTECTING MYSELF AND RESTRICTING MYSELF.

I HAD BEEN TREATING HOPE AS THOUGH IT WERE A DANGER.

AS THOUGH ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL EXCITED WOULD SOMEHOW MAKE A FUTURE DISAPPOINTMENT MORE LIKELY OR MORE DIFFICULT TO SURVIVE.

BUT THERE IS NO GUARANTEE THAT WITHHOLDING HOPE WILL PREVENT PAIN.

AND THERE IS A VERY REAL COST TO DENYING MYSELF THE POSSIBILITY OF JOY BEFORE I EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS.

I DO NOT HAVE TO KEEP BREAKING MY OWN HEART IN ADVANCE TO PROTECT IT FROM THE POSSIBILITY THAT SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT BREAK IT LATER.

THAT ONE HIT DEEP. AND IT BROUGHT ME BACK TO THE FOUR PILLARS THAT HAVE BECOME CENTRAL TO MY PERSONAL SELF-EXAMINATION.

HONESTY JUST NEEDS AIR.

I CAN ACKNOWLEDGE MY DESIRES, FEARS, AND EXCITEMENT WITHOUT PRETENDING THAT I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS.

I CAN INCLUDE MYSELF IN THE LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE I HAVE SO OFTEN BEEN WILLING TO EXTEND TO OTHERS.

FACTS HAVE NO FEELINGS.

MY PAST DISAPPOINTMENTS ARE REAL, BUT THEY DO NOT PROVE THAT EVERY FUTURE EXPERIENCE WILL END THE SAME WAY.

AND A BEAUTIFUL POSSIBILITY IS STILL A POSSIBILITY, NOT A GUARANTEE.

HUMILITY HAS NO EGO.

I CAN BE WILLING TO DISCOVER THAT SOME OF MY LONG-HELD BELIEFS NO LONGER SERVE THE LIFE I WANT TO LIVE.

I CAN BE WRONG ABOUT WHAT I THOUGHT WAS POSSIBLE.

AND I CAN WELCOME THAT DISCOVERY.

THIS IS WHERE MY DOUBLE-SIDED MIRROR BECOMES SO IMPORTANT.

I HAVE SPENT A GREAT DEAL OF TIME LOOKING INTO THAT MIRROR, EXAMINING MY PAST, MY CHOICES, MY BELIEFS, AND MY RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY OWN LIFE.

BUT TODAY, THE MIRROR SHOWED ME SOMETHING ELSE.

SELF-EXAMINATION IS NOT ONLY ABOUT RECOGNIZING WHAT I HAVE DONE IN THE PAST. IT IS ALSO ABOUT RECOGNIZING WHAT I CAN ALLOW MYSELF TO EXPERIENCE GOING FORWARD.

AND THAT IS WHERE SOMETHING SHIFTED.

I DO NOT HAVE TO EXPECT DISAPPOINTMENT TO BE PREPARED FOR IT.

I DO NOT HAVE TO EXPECT SUCCESS TO REMAIN OPEN TO ITS POSSIBILITY.

I CAN HAVE BOUNDARIES WITHOUT PUNISHING MYSELF BY WITHHOLDING HOPE.

I CAN BE DISCERNING WITHOUT BECOMING CLOSED.

I CAN ACKNOWLEDGE UNCERTAINTY WITHOUT MAKING IT AN ENEMY.

AND I CAN ALLOW MYSELF TO BE EXCITED ABOUT A FUTURE I HAVE NOT YET LIVED.

NOT BECAUSE THAT FUTURE IS PROMISED.

BUT BECAUSE MY PAST DOES NOT OWN MY CAPACITY TO HOPE.

AND THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE I WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE.

FOR A LONG TIME, I BELIEVED THAT KEEPING MY EXPECTATIONS LOW WAS A FORM OF WISDOM.

TODAY, I CAN RECOGNIZE THAT SOME OF IT WAS FEAR DISGUISED AS PROTECTION.

THAT DOES NOT MEAN I SHOULD THROW AWAY MY DISCERNMENT.

IT MEANS I CAN STOP CONFUSING THE ABSENCE OF HOPE WITH THE PRESENCE OF SAFETY.

THE POSSIBILITY OF A NEGATIVE OUTCOME DOES NOT CANCEL THE POSSIBILITY OF A POSITIVE ONE.

AND I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHICH ONE WILL HAPPEN BEFORE I AM ALLOWED TO ENJOY THE POSSIBILITY OF SOMETHING GOOD.

RECENTLY, I HAVE ALSO BEEN LEARNING TO ALLOW MYSELF TO ENJOY PEACE WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY FOR NOT BEING PRODUCTIVE.

NOW I SEE ANOTHER PART OF THAT SAME FREEDOM.

I DO NOT HAVE TO EARN THE RIGHT TO ENJOY MY LIFE TODAY. AND I DO NOT HAVE TO EARN THE RIGHT TO LOOK FORWARD TO MY LIFE TOMORROW.

THOSE TWO REALIZATIONS BELONG TOGETHER.

BECAUSE LIFE IS NOT ONLY ABOUT SURVIVING WHAT HAS HAPPENED.

IT IS ALSO ABOUT ALLOWING MYSELF TO LIVE WHAT IS HAPPENING AND REMAIN OPEN TO WHAT MAY STILL COME. AND PERHAPS THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DISCOVERY OF ALL.

I DO NOT NEED TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE EXAMINING EVERY SKELETON IN EVERY HIDDEN CLOSET.

THE PURPOSE OF OPENING THOSE DOORS IS NOT TO REMAIN TRAPPED INSIDE THEM.

IT IS TO DISCOVER HOW MUCH MORE ROOM THERE IS FOR ME TO LIVE.

SO TODAY, I AM NOT MAKING A PROMISE ABOUT MY FUTURE.

I AM MAKING A DIFFERENT CHOICE ABOUT MY PRESENT.

I AM CHOOSING NOT TO DENY MYSELF HOPE SIMPLY BECAUSE I CANNOT GUARANTEE THE OUTCOME.

I AM CHOOSING TO ALLOW EXCITEMENT WITHOUT SURRENDERING DISCERNMENT.

I AM CHOOSING TO REMAIN OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITY THAT SOMETHING GOOD CAN HAPPEN.

AND IF THE FUTURE BRINGS DISAPPOINTMENT, I WILL FACE THE FACTS OF THAT EXPERIENCE WHEN THEY ARRIVE.

I DO NOT NEED TO LIVE THAT DISAPPOINTMENT IN ADVANCE.

I HAVE SPENT ENOUGH OF MY LIFE PREPARING FOR WHAT MIGHT GO WRONG. I CAN ALSO ALLOW MYSELF TO LOOK FORWARD TO WHAT MIGHT GO RIGHT.

AND THAT, FOR ME, IS A VERY REAL FORM OF FREEDOM.

NOT FREEDOM FROM UNCERTAINTY.

NOT FREEDOM FROM EVERY POSSIBILITY OF PAIN.

FREEDOM FROM THE BELIEF THAT I MUST WITHHOLD HOPE IN ORDER TO PROTECT MYSELF.

IF YOU HAVE READ THIS FAR, PERHAPS SOMETHING IN MY EXPERIENCE HAS TOUCHED SOMETHING WITHIN YOUR OWN LIFE.

PERHAPS YOU, TOO, HAVE EXPERIENCED ENOUGH DISAPPOINTMENT THAT YOU BEGAN WITHHOLDING HOPE FROM YOURSELF.

PERHAPS YOU HAVE CONVINCED YOURSELF THAT EXPECTING NOTHING IS THE SAFEST WAY TO AVOID BEING HURT. OR PERHAPS YOUR EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.

I DO NOT KNOW YOUR STORY. AND I AM NOT HERE TO TELL YOU WHAT YOUR TRUTH MUST BE.

BUT I WOULD INVITE YOU TO LOOK INTO YOUR OWN MIRROR AND ASK YOURSELF SOMETHING.

HAVE I BEEN PROTECTING MYSELF FROM POSSIBLE PAIN, OR HAVE I ALSO BEEN DENYING MYSELF THE POSSIBILITY OF JOY?

HAVE I BEEN ALLOWING MY PAST EXPERIENCES TO INFORM MY PRESENT CHOICES, OR HAVE I BEEN ALLOWING THEM TO DETERMINE WHAT I BELIEVE MY FUTURE CAN HOLD?

AND PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION OF ALL:

AM I WILLING TO EXTEND TO MYSELF THE SAME FREEDOM TO HOPE, LOVE, AND LIFE THAT I WOULD GLADLY EXTEND TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?

I CANNOT ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS FOR YOU, NOR WOULD I WANT TO.

BECAUSE THE PURPOSE OF SHARING MY EXPERIENCE IS NOT TO MAKE MY ANSWERS YOUR ANSWERS.

IT IS TO OFFER YOU A MIRROR IN WHICH YOU MAY DISCOVER YOUR OWN.

AND IF YOU RECOGNIZE SOMETHING IN YOURSELF, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CONDEMN THE PERSON YOU HAVE BEEN.

YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE WHY YOU MADE THE CHOICES YOU MADE.

YOU CAN HONOR WHAT THOSE EXPERIENCES TAUGHT YOU.

AND YOU CAN EXAMINE WHETHER THOSE SAME CHOICES STILL SERVE THE LIFE YOU WANT TO LIVE.

THERE IS NO REQUIREMENT THAT YOUR ANSWERS LOOK LIKE MINE.

THERE IS NO DEADLINE FOR YOUR DISCOVERIES.

AND THERE IS NO NEED TO TURN YOUR SELF-EXAMINATION INTO ANOTHER FORM OF SELF-PUNISHMENT.

THE MIRROR IS NOT A COURTROOM.

IT IS SIMPLY A PLACE WHERE WE CAN ALLOW THE TRUTH TO HAVE ITS AIR.

AND PERHAPS, THROUGH YOUR OWN HONEST EXAMINATION, YOU WILL DISCOVER THAT THERE IS MORE ROOM FOR YOU TO LIVE THAN YOU PREVIOUSLY BELIEVED.

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING I CAN PROMISE YOU. BUT IT IS A POSSIBILITY I WOULD NEVER WANT TO DENY YOU. JUST AS I AM LEARNING NOT TO DENY IT TO MYSELF.

THE MIRROR FACES BOTH DIRECTIONS. BUT THE CHOICE OF WHAT WE DO WITH WHAT WE SEE BELONGS TO EACH OF US. THE CLOSET DOOR IS OPEN.

THE MIRROR STILL FACES BOTH DIRECTIONS.

AND I DO NOT HAVE TO PUT MYSELF ON TRIAL FOR WANTING SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL. AND NEITHER DO YOU.

NO BIGGER THAN THE TRUTH. NO SMALLER THAN THE TRUTH. JUST THE TRUTH.]

: HONESTY IS WITH THE AIR.

: LOVE IS WITH NO SELF-[EX]CLUSION.

: FACTS ARE WITH NO FALSE-GUARANTEES.

: HUMILITY IS WITH THE [O]PEN-POSSIBILITY.

: HOPE IS WITH NO [A]POLOGY.

: FREEDOM IS WITH THE CHOICE.

: HOME IS WITH THE SELF.

FOR THE HONOR OF YOUR LIFE’S-JOURNEY AND SOUL’S-EVOLUTION IS WITH THE BLESSING AND GRATITUDE BY THE GRIDWALKER AND POSTMASTER: Ephraim-H: Troyer.

: ANCHOR. ⚓️

: PILLAR.