[AM I INCLUDED IN THE HUMANITY I LOVE?]

[FOR MUCH OF MY LIFE, I HAVE KNOWN WHAT IT MEANS TO GIVE OF MYSELF.

TO WORK.

TO SACRIFICE.

TO PUT THE NEEDS OF OTHERS BEFORE MY OWN.

AND FOR MANY YEARS, I BELIEVED THAT WAS WHAT LOVE REQUIRED OF ME.

WHEN I BEGAN QUESTIONING THE LIFE I HAD BEEN LIVING, I DISCOVERED HOW OFTEN I HAD ABANDONED MYSELF WHILE TRYING TO DO WHAT I BELIEVED WAS RIGHT.

I BEGAN LEARNING TO RECOGNIZE MY OWN NEEDS, ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES, AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY OWN CHOICES.

I BEGAN DISCOVERING SOMETHING I NOW CALL HOME.

NOT A BUILDING.

NOT A PIECE OF LAND.

BUT A PLACE WITHIN MYSELF WHERE I COULD REMAIN WITHOUT ABANDONING WHO I AM.

AND YET, RECENTLY, I DISCOVERED SOMETHING ELSE.

SOMETHING THAT HAD BEEN HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT.

I HAVE LONG DESIRED A SIMPLE PHYSICAL HOME.

A PLACE IN NATURE.

A PLACE WHERE I CAN CARE FOR THE LAND, BUILD THINGS WITH MY HANDS, GROW FOOD, AND LIVE PEACEFULLY.

I DO NOT WANT GLAMOUR.

I DO NOT WANT STATUS.

I DO NOT WANT A LARGE HOUSE.

I WOULD BE CONTENT TO BEGIN WITH A TENT IF IT MEANT I COULD WAKE UP, WALK OUT INTO THE FRESH GREEN GRASS WITH A CUP OF HOT COFFEE, AND KNOW THAT I COULD REMAIN THERE BECAUSE I CHOSE TO.

A PLACE WHERE I COULD UNPACK MY KITCHEN BELONGINGS WITHOUT CONSTANTLY WONDERING WHEN I WOULD HAVE TO PACK THEM AGAIN.

I HAVE SEARCHED FOR THAT PLACE.

ALONG THE WAY, I HAVE EXPERIENCED LIVING ARRANGEMENTS THAT I HOPED MIGHT PROVIDE STABILITY, ONLY TO FIND MYSELF MOVING ON AGAIN.

FOR A LONG TIME, I SAW THESE AS EXPERIENCES ALONG MY JOURNEY, AND I STILL DO.

BUT RECENTLY, WHILE EXAMINING WHY I FOUND IT DIFFICULT TO SIMPLY LIVE, I BEGAN TO NOTICE SOMETHING WITHIN MYSELF.

I WAS NOT ONLY UNCERTAIN ABOUT WHEN I WOULD FIND THAT PHYSICAL HOME.

PART OF ME FELT GUILTY EVEN IMAGINING THAT I MIGHT BE ALLOWED TO HAVE IT.

THAT REALIZATION CAUGHT MY ATTENTION.

WHY WOULD THE THOUGHT OF A PEACEFUL LIFE PRODUCE GUILT?

WHY WOULD SOMETHING I WOULD GLADLY WISH FOR ANOTHER HUMAN BEING FEEL ALMOST FORBIDDEN WHEN I IMAGINED IT FOR MYSELF?

AND THEN THE MIRROR TURNED TOWARD ME.

AM I WILLING TO EXTEND TO MYSELF THE SAME PERMISSION TO LIVE WHAT I WOULD GLADLY EXTEND TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?

I SAT WITH THAT QUESTION.

AND I BEGAN TO SEE AN OLD PATTERN OF SELF-SACRIFICE THAT I HAD NOT FULLY RECOGNIZED.

A PATTERN SO FAMILIAR THAT IT HAD CONTINUED OPERATING QUIETLY, EVEN AS I HAD BEEN LEARNING TO LIVE DIFFERENTLY.

I CARE ABOUT HUMAN SUFFERING.

WHEN I SEE PEOPLE STRUGGLING, I WANT TO HELP.

THAT DESIRE HAS NOT DISAPPEARED, NOR DO I WANT IT TO.

BUT I BEGAN TO QUESTION WHETHER I HAD QUIETLY MADE MY OWN PEACE CONDITIONAL UPON HOW MUCH I COULD GIVE TO OTHERS.

AS THOUGH ENJOYING MY OWN LIFE MIGHT MEAN I WAS NEGLECTING SOMEONE ELSE’S.

AS THOUGH RESTING MIGHT MEAN I WAS FAILING MY PURPOSE.

AS THOUGH I NEEDED TO CONTINUE SACRIFICING TO JUSTIFY RECEIVING SOMETHING GOOD.

AND THEN ANOTHER QUESTION EMERGED.

WHO DECIDED THAT MY PEACE MUST WAIT UNTIL THE SUFFERING OF OTHERS HAS ENDED?

I DO NOT KNOW EVERY ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION.

BUT I CAN RECOGNIZE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HELPING ANOTHER PERSON BECAUSE I FREELY CHOOSE TO GIVE AND HELPING BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY WHEN I DO NOT.

I CAN RECOGNIZE THAT MY DESIRE TO LIVE PEACEFULLY DOES NOT, BY ITSELF, DEPRIVE ANOTHER PERSON OF PEACE.

AND I CAN RECOGNIZE THAT FEELING GUILTY DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN I HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG.

THE FEELING IS REAL, BUT THE FEELING IS NOT THE VERDICT.

THIS BROUGHT ME BACK TO THE FOUR PILLARS I HAVE BEEN EXAMINING IN MY OWN LIFE.

HONESTY JUST NEEDS AIR.

CAN I ACKNOWLEDGE BOTH MY DESIRE TO HELP OTHERS AND MY DESIRE TO LIVE PEACEFULLY WITHOUT DENYING EITHER ONE?

LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS.

CAN I INCLUDE MYSELF IN THE COMPASSION I BELIEVE OTHER HUMAN BEINGS DESERVE?

FACTS HAVE NO FEELINGS.

DOES THE FACT THAT I FEEL GUILTY ESTABLISH THAT MY DESIRE FOR PEACE IS WRONG?

HUMILITY HAS NO EGO.

AM I WILLING TO RECOGNIZE THAT A BELIEF I HAVE CARRIED FOR YEARS MAY NEED TO BE REEXAMINED?

THESE QUESTIONS ARE NOT COMMANDS FOR ANYONE ELSE.

THE BLUEPRINT IS FOR SELF.

THE MIRROR FACES ME.

AND I AM THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I CHOOSE TO DO WITH WHAT I SEE.

THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE I WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE.

I DO NOT BELIEVE I FAILED BY NOT DISCOVERING THIS SOONER.

THE EXPERIENCES THAT BROUGHT ME HERE WERE EXPERIENCES.

THEY WERE NOT PROOF THAT I WAS UNWORTHY OF PEACE.

THEY WERE NOT NECESSARILY PUNISHMENTS OR LESSONS ARRANGED FOR ME.

THEY WERE PART OF THE LIFE I LIVED.

AND TODAY, I CAN SEE SOMETHING I COULD NOT CLEARLY IDENTIFY BEFORE.

I DO NOT HAVE TO TURN THAT DISCOVERY INTO ANOTHER REASON TO CONDEMN MYSELF.

NOR DO I HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY ELIMINATE EVERY TRACE OF GUILT.

I CAN ALLOW THE FEELING TO BE PRESENT WHILE EXAMINING WHETHER THE BELIEF BEHIND IT IS TRUE.

EVERYTHING GETS AIR. NOT EVERYTHING GETS RESIDENCY.

I STILL WANT THAT PIECE OF LAND.

I STILL WANT TO WAKE UP IN NATURE, DRINK MY HOT COFFEE, AND KNOW THAT I CAN STAY.

I STILL WANT TO HELP OTHERS WHERE I CAN.

AND I AM BEGINNING TO SEE THAT THESE DESIRES DO NOT HAVE TO BE ENEMIES.

PERHAPS A PEACEFUL HOME COULD BECOME A PLACE FROM WHICH I FREELY CHOOSE HOW TO CONTRIBUTE, RATHER THAN A PLACE I MUST DENY MYSELF UNTIL I HAVE GIVEN ENOUGH.

I DO NOT YET KNOW WHEN THAT PHYSICAL HOME WILL BECOME POSSIBLE.

BUT I AM BEGINNING TO QUESTION WHY I EVER FELT I NEEDED TO EARN PERMISSION TO DESIRE IT.

AND THAT BRINGS ME BACK TO THE MIRROR.

IF I BELIEVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING IS WORTHY OF LOVE, PEACE, AND THE FREEDOM TO LIVE WITHOUT CONSTANTLY PROVING THEIR VALUE—AM I WILLING TO INCLUDE MYSELF?

I AM NOT WRITING THIS BECAUSE I HAVE COMPLETED THAT EXAMINATION.

I AM WRITING BECAUSE I HAVE FINALLY RECOGNIZED THE QUESTION.

AND PERHAPS THAT IS ENOUGH.

I CAN LOVE HUMANITY WITHOUT MAKING MY OWN DEPRIVATION THE EVIDENCE OF THAT LOVE.

I AM INCLUDED IN THE HUMANITY I LOVE.]

FOR THE HONOR OF YOUR LIFE’S-JOURNEY AND SOUL’S-EVOLUTION IS WITH THE BLESSING BY THE GRIDWALKER AND POSTMASTER: Ephraim-H: Troyer.

: HONESTY IS WITH THE AIR.

: LOVE IS WITH NO SELF-[EX]CLUSION.

: FACTS ARE WITH THE THRONE.

: HUMILITY IS WITH THE OPEN-MIRROR.

: HOME IS WITH THE SELF.

: GRATITUDE.

: HOME.

: ANCHOR. ⚓️

: PILLAR.