[THERE COMES A TIME IN LIFE WHEN WE MAY BEGIN TO QUESTION THINGS WE HAVE ACCEPTED FOR SO LONG THAT WE NO LONGER REMEMBER WHY WE ACCEPTED THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.
SOMETIMES THOSE QUESTIONS LEAD US BACK TO EXPERIENCES WE HAVE NOT THOUGHT ABOUT FOR DECADES.
AND SOMETIMES, WHAT WE DISCOVER IS NOT NECESSARILY SOMETHING NEW.
IT IS SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN PRESENT ALL ALONG, WAITING TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED.
OVER THE PAST WEEK, I HAVE BEEN REFLECTING ON MY OWN LIFE, MY CHILDHOOD, MY RELATIONSHIPS, AND THE DECISIONS THAT HAVE BROUGHT ME TO WHERE I AM TODAY.
AND THROUGH THOSE REFLECTIONS, ONE WORD KEPT FINDING ITS WAY BACK TO THE CENTER OF EVERYTHING.
EXPECTATION.
FROM MY EARLIEST MEMORIES, THERE WERE EXPECTATIONS.
EXPECTATIONS ABOUT HOW I SHOULD BEHAVE.
HOW I SHOULD WORK.
HOW QUICKLY I SHOULD ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING.
WHAT I SHOULD BELIEVE.
WHAT I SHOULD QUESTION, AND WHAT I SHOULD NEVER QUESTION.
WHAT IT MEANT TO BE A GOOD SON, A GOOD MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY, AND EVENTUALLY A GOOD HUSBAND, FATHER, PROVIDER, AND FRIEND.
THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING EXPECTED OF ME.
AND AS I LOOK BACK TODAY, I RECOGNIZE SOMETHING THAT I HAD NEVER FULLY UNDERSTOOD BEFORE.
VERY LITTLE OF MY EARLY LIFE WAS ABOUT WHAT I WANTED, WHAT I DESIRED, OR WHAT I FELT WAS RIGHT FOR MY OWN LIFE.
IT WAS ABOUT WHAT WAS EXPECTED OF ME.
AND OVER TIME, THOSE EXPECTATIONS BECAME SO FAMILIAR THAT I DID NOT ALWAYS RECOGNIZE THEM AS EXPECTATIONS ANYMORE.
THEY SIMPLY BECAME THE WAY I BELIEVED LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIVED.
I LEARNED TO WORK HARD.
I LEARNED TO GIVE.
I LEARNED TO PROVIDE.
I LEARNED TO PUT OTHERS FIRST.
AND I LEARNED THAT SACRIFICE WAS OFTEN PART OF BEING ACCEPTED, RESPECTED, OR CONSIDERED GOOD ENOUGH.
NOW, THERE IS NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH HARD WORK, RESPONSIBILITY, GENEROSITY, OR SACRIFICE.
THOSE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE AND CHARACTER.
BUT THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOMETHING WE FREELY CHOOSE TO GIVE AND SOMETHING WE BELIEVE WE MUST GIVE IN ORDER TO MEET THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS.
THAT DISTINCTION HAS BECOME VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
AS I MOVED THROUGH ADULTHOOD, I CONTINUED TRYING TO BECOME BETTER.
A BETTER HUSBAND.
A BETTER FATHER.
A BETTER PROVIDER.
A BETTER FRIEND.
AND WHILE MUCH OF THAT DESIRE CAME FROM GENUINE LOVE, I NOW RECOGNIZE THAT SOME OF IT MAY ALSO HAVE BEEN INFLUENCED BY EXPECTATIONS I HAD CARRIED SINCE CHILDHOOD.
THE EXPECTATION THAT I SHOULD ALWAYS DO MORE.
GIVE MORE.
WORK HARDER.
BECOME BETTER.
AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY, THAT I SHOULD NOT DISAPPOINT THE PEOPLE AROUND ME.
BUT HERE IS A QUESTION I HAD RARELY STOPPED TO ASK MYSELF.
WHERE, IN ALL OF THOSE EXPECTATIONS, WAS THERE ROOM FOR ME?
NOT THE VERSION OF ME THAT OTHERS WANTED.
NOT THE VERSION OF ME THAT WAS EXPECTED TO PERFORM.
BUT THE PERSON I ACTUALLY AM.
THE PERSON WITH HIS OWN DESIRES, DREAMS, LIMITATIONS, AND UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT MAKES LIFE MEANINGFUL.
THAT QUESTION HAS TAKEN ON A WHOLE NEW MEANING FOR ME.
BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I AM BEGINNING TO MAKE DECISIONS BASED UPON THE LIFE I ACTUALLY WANT TO LIVE.
AND I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT NOT EVERYONE IS COMFORTABLE WITH THAT CHANGE.
BUT I AM ALSO BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING ELSE.
SOMEONE ELSE’S DISCOMFORT WITH MY CHOICES DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN THAT MY CHOICES ARE WRONG.
NOR DOES MY DESIRE TO LIVE DIFFERENTLY MEAN THAT I NO LONGER CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
I STILL LOVE.
I STILL CARE.
I STILL WANT TO HELP.
I STILL BELIEVE IN GENEROSITY, RESPONSIBILITY, AND SHOWING UP FOR THE PEOPLE I LOVE.
BUT I AM LEARNING THAT THOSE THINGS DO NOT REQUIRE ME TO ABANDON MYSELF.
I CAN LOVE WITHOUT SURRENDERING MY FREEDOM.
I CAN GIVE WITHOUT SACRIFICING MY PEACE.
I CAN RESPECT OTHERS WITHOUT MAKING THEIR EXPECTATIONS THE AUTHORITY OVER MY LIFE.
AND PERHAPS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT DISCOVERIES OF ALL HAS BEEN THIS:
I DO NOT NECESSARILY NEED ANOTHER PERSONAL IMPROVEMENT PROJECT TO CORRECT EVERYTHING I HAVE DISCOVERED.
I HAVE SPENT MUCH OF MY LIFE WORKING TO BECOME BETTER.
BUT WHAT IF SOME OF THE FREEDOM I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR DOES NOT REQUIRE MORE WORK?
WHAT IF IT BEGINS WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENT?
ACKNOWLEDGING WHERE CERTAIN BELIEFS AND REACTIONS MAY HAVE ORIGINATED.
ACKNOWLEDGING THAT SOME EXPECTATIONS WERE NEVER MINE TO BEGIN WITH.
ACKNOWLEDGING THAT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE MY OWN CHOICES, EVEN WHEN THOSE CHOICES ARE DIFFERENT FROM WHAT OTHERS WOULD PREFER.
AND ACKNOWLEDGING THAT I DO NOT HAVE TO KEEP PROVING MY WORTH THROUGH ENDLESS PERFORMANCE.
THAT DOES NOT MEAN EVERY OLD PATTERN WILL DISAPPEAR OVERNIGHT.
IT DOES NOT MEAN I WILL NEVER MAKE ANOTHER MISTAKE.
IT SIMPLY MEANS I CAN BEGIN TO RECOGNIZE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT I TRULY CHOOSE AND WHAT I HAVE BEEN CONDITIONED TO BELIEVE IS EXPECTED OF ME.
AND WITH THAT RECOGNITION COMES AN OPPORTUNITY TO CHOOSE MORE CONSCIOUSLY.
I HAVE OFTEN SAID:
“THE BUCK STOPS WITH ME.”
FOR MANY YEARS, THAT MEANT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR BREAKING GENERATIONAL PATTERNS I DID NOT WANT TO PASS ON TO THE NEXT GENERATION.
TODAY, I AM BEGINNING TO SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION OF THAT COMMITMENT.
THE BUCK ALSO STOPS WITH ME WHEN IT COMES TO THE EXPECTATIONS I CONTINUE TO PLACE UPON MYSELF.
I CAN CHOOSE TO STOP DEMANDING THAT I LIVE ACCORDING TO STANDARDS I NEVER CONSCIOUSLY CHOSE.
I CAN CHOOSE TO OFFER OTHERS THE FREEDOM TO BE THEMSELVES WITHOUT DEMANDING THAT THEY CONFORM TO MY EXPECTATIONS.
AND I CAN BEGIN OFFERING MYSELF THAT SAME FREEDOM.
NOT BECAUSE ANYONE ELSE HAS GIVEN ME PERMISSION.
BUT BECAUSE I AM FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGING THAT MY LIFE BELONGS TO ME.
NOW, I INVITE YOU TO LOOK INTO YOUR OWN MIRROR.
NOT TO FIND SOMEONE TO BLAME.
NOT TO CONDEMN YOUR PARENTS, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, OR YOURSELF.
AND CERTAINLY NOT TO CREATE ANOTHER LIST OF THINGS YOU MUST FIX ABOUT YOURSELF.
BUT SIMPLY TO OBSERVE.
HOW MUCH OF THE LIFE YOU ARE LIVING TODAY HAS BEEN SHAPED BY WHAT OTHERS EXPECTED OF YOU?
ARE THERE THINGS YOU CONTINUE TO DO, NOT BECAUSE YOU TRULY CHOOSE THEM, BUT BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED THEY WERE REQUIRED?
ARE THERE DREAMS YOU HAVE SET ASIDE BECAUSE THEY DID NOT FIT THE EXPECTATIONS OF THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU?
DO YOU SOMETIMES FEEL GUILTY FOR SAYING NO, EVEN WHEN SAYING NO IS THE HEALTHIEST CHOICE FOR YOU?
AND PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION:
IF YOU WERE NO LONGER TRYING TO PROVE YOUR WORTH THROUGH THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE FOR YOUR OWN LIFE?
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS TODAY.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CHANGE EVERYTHING TOMORROW.
AND YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TURN ANOTHER PERSONAL DISCOVERY INTO ANOTHER OBLIGATION.
PERHAPS, FOR THIS MOMENT, IT IS ENOUGH TO SIMPLY ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT YOU SEE.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES THE FIRST STEP TOWARD FREEDOM IS NOT DOING SOMETHING MORE.
IT IS FINALLY RECOGNIZING WHAT WE HAVE BEEN CARRYING ALL ALONG.
AND PERHAPS, THROUGH THAT ACKNOWLEDGMENT, WE CAN BEGIN TO LIVE WITH A LITTLE MORE FREEDOM, A LITTLE MORE PEACE, AND A LITTLE MORE UNDERSTANDING OF OURSELVES AND ONE ANOTHER.
NO BIGGER THAN THE TRUTH.
NO SMALLER THAN THE TRUTH.
JUST TRUE.]
: HONESTY JUST NEEDS AIR.
: LOVE HAS NO CONDITIONS.
: FACTS HAVE NO FEELINGS.
: HUMILITY HAS NO EGO.
FOR THE HONOR OF YOUR JOURNEY IS WITH THE BLESSINGS AND GRATITUDE BY THE GRIDWALKER AND POSTMASTER: Ephraim-H: Troyer.
: ANCHOR. ⚓️
: PILLAR.
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